Thanks, Management. (Formerly Talktalk}

Bon Jovi

Last night, I saw Bon Jovi for the twelfth (and maybe last) time. They were so good. Jon looked great, never better. Richie didn't look so good. And his sound was "off" all night. He played well and sang well, but his mic just wasn't "right".

The first half of their set was acoustic. My friend didn't like it, but I thought it was kind of brave and different. Also, I thought it showcased their musicianship more. However, I could tell that Jon was unhappy with the sound quality, as he fiddled with his earpiece a lot, and called for techs to come up twice.

The electric bit was as rockin' as ever, though I missed some old favorites. Their new stuff sounded tight. My favorite part was when Richie got to sing lead on "I'll Be There For You", with Jon and David filling in on the harmonies.

All in all, it wasn't the best I've seen them, but I was dancing all night long.

Not disappointed at all.

More things

Here are some things I am happy with:

1. I am letting go of some unreasonably high standards.

2. Summertime fruits!

3. Storms late at night!

4. Dates with friends and talking and laughing. (Thanks Katye!)

5. Realizing that growing apart can be good for people.

6. Burt's Bees.

7. Farmer's Markets

8. Re-discovering 'zines! (Thanks Sarah!)

9. Being recognized for doing something well.

10. Good new music.

Just...things.

I am so frustrated about:

1. My inability to communicate effectively with my husband. It's like the words that come from my mouth are completely foreign. I think that he bristles when I say certain words, based on past arguments, and then things just go to hell.

2. My yard!!! This yard is what attracted us to buying this house the most. Now, it is my arch-nemesis. It's too big for me to mow with kids. Esp. Greyson. And the garden is too much work for me. Now we've added the veggie garden, and it looks like hell, too. Our friends who wanted to share gardening with us aren't really in a position to do much work, either, and it just looks sad and neglected. I am SUCH an outdoors lover and such a perfectionist that this breaks my heart and makes me nervous.
a. In a similar vein, I have tried numerous times to hire someone to do my yardwork this year, because Gene is recovering from a hernia, but damned if I can't get anyone to get it done. I know I know I know I know I am being a perfectionist anal bitch, but I WANT MY YARD TO BE PRETTY!!!!

3. I have these two friends. I wanted to be the three musketeers with them. They don't mix well. They can't stop hurting each other. And I can't get in the middle and try to fix it anymore. They're not asking me to, but I just feel like I understand where they are both coming from. Sometimes I see where one or the other is just being kind of blind, but I see a pattern. I just don't think they are ever going to be close again, and I am sad for them. I also wonder somehow if my coming on the scene didn't cause it.

4. My daughter and I are in a weird, weird place, but that's a whole 'nother post.

Parenting Choices

I used to be one of those people who thought there was a right way, and that I was pretty sure I had found it. I was the equivalent of a religious zealot with regards to parenting. Breastfeeding was best, (well, I still believe that), co-sleeping would make your children feel more secure, homeschooling was the optimal choice, etc. Well, guess what? I have had to change my mind about some of those things.
I've lived and learned that there is NOT one magical solution for every kid, every family. How arrogant I must have seemed.
This is why I don't generally read parenting books. I still read some of them, but I no longer take them on as my new "program" to follow.
I was frustrated by the discussion at yaaps about homeschooling, because I thought both sides were being a bit defensive.

I know that this topic goes around the blogs from time to time, but there's my take on it. I know it was very disjointed, but I just felt like getting it out there.

Camping Hell

People talk about camping with a wistful fondness. They talk about the food, the communal feeling, the peacefulness. They muse about their unity with nature.

I hate camping.

That's not really fair to say. I've only tried it once.

My inaugural camping experience was in the summer before my senior year of high school. I went with my step dad, mother, sister and boyfriend for three days of truly roughing it. No bathrooms, water came from jugs we'd brought ourselves. Tents? Just one, which my parents claimed. We young'uns slept on tarps and sleeping bags. There was heat, a drought, mosquitos, and a very pissy raccoon to deal with. Oh, did I mention I had a yeast infection? RAGING. No meds. Only sweaty underwear to deal with. Needless to say, I was miserable and bitchy.

My auntie was staying on the same land, but away from our chosen campsite. I was to go home with her for the week and babysit. My parents packed up, took my sweet boyfriend with them, leaving one canteen and the instructions to walk "straight that way" to find my Aunt and catch a ride to Columbus with her. Thank Goddess my sister was with me. We walked and walked and walked. Her campsite was nowhere to be found. I started getting panicky, but Bek assured me that we'd be found.

That's when the diarrhea hit me. My only ammunition for that battle was some huge oak leaves. Nice.

Finally, we found my aunt and uncle packing up at someone else's campsite. They somehow missed the memo that my sister and I were heading up the road with them.

Thus ended my first and last experience with camping.

Anyone for the Hilton?

In a dark place

I've been feeling so low and lonely. I don't even know what to say, I am tired of feeling it so the rest of you must be tired of hearing it. I get so far, overcome so much, only to be thrown back into the cold dark night of pain. I want to reach out. I don't, because any touch of human affection feels wrong to me. I want to push away anything that feels good, because I don't want to deserve it. I don't want to become comfortable with the sensation of love, because it's only fleeting and will be taken away. I want someone else to raise my kids, I want to leave and be anonymous and let the rest of the normal world live without me in there fucking everything up. I don't know anything but intense, and intense relationships beget intense pain. I've been a trying friend, an angry mom, and a resentful wife.

Blah.

image test

this is an image test.. if you see an image below this, the image uploading ability is working perfectly.

Here I am!

Trey!! You rock baby! THANK YOU for all your help!

I can't wait to make an actual entry, but I am at my mom's and the computer is in her bedroom. See you all soon!

test entry

testing the look and feel of this entry.

hopefully it works