My girl is five today! I may post her birth story later. In the meantime, I want to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the best person I know!
First, I want to thank everyone for the support, hugs, and comments. I fear this will be a long, hard road, but I do appreciate the lovin'. I do.
Now, I want to share a few cute kid things. Tonight, Delaney and Greyson decided to wash Delaney's little play dish set. Delaney actually did a good job. Greyson was so into it! He rinsed for the longest time. I just love seeing the two of them actually interacting with one another. Usually, Delaney just wants to shut her door and have alone time. Anyway, Delaney washed, dried AND put away all of the dishes, and Greyson poured water from cup to cup for over thirty minutes. He threw a huge fit when I finally made him quit. Mean mommy!
Delaney starts ballet school tomorrow. I have pulled her out of preschool-it was too expensive, plus she already knows all of her colors, shapes, letters, and numbers. She can read a few things, writes okay, and could probably have done okay in Kindergarten. I just don't think either of us was ready to have her gone five days a week, or even three. She's smart as a tack, but still needs me a lot. She just gets wiggy when she's not home. She's much more introverted than I am...needs a lot of recharge time. Which makes a strange fit between the two of us, but I digress. Anyway, I can NOT wait to see her in her leotard, tights, and ballet shoes!!!!!
Greyson can say: mom, dad, Laney, drive, outside, bite-bite, ear, doggie, bark, moo, backpack, yeah, no, bop (that's the word for breast), baby, train and maybe a few more I am not thinking of. I am so proud of him, and try hard not to compare. Delaney was talking huge sentences by 18 months, and knew all of her letters by 19 months. But Greyson's wheels are definitely turning. He's a force to be reckoned with!
They both keep me on my toes!
Wow, have I gone overboard the last few weeks. I just realized that I have spent over $300 on Delaney's birthday. No kid needs that much stuff. It's all GOOD stuff, stuff I want her to have, but that is crazy!
Here is what I have gotten her:
materials for her new room, stuff for pillows, a bed ruffle, comforter, curtians.
grovy girls, clothes, a dressing table
clothes for her Barbies (I HATE BARBIE!)
$89 worth of books. This I don't feel is a bad thing, I love books and these are GOOD books, literature really.
new fall clothes
ballet shoes and leotard
new dress up costumes, including a wizard, a dragon, and a knight
I've gone meshugenneh! (I'm completely guessing on that spelling!!!)
Just don't comment and tell me what an acquisitive consumerist I've become, because I already know and feel sheepish.
I think if I had known it would have been so hard, I would have remained single. Maybe even if it meant not having Delaney and Grey in my life.
Please see the post entitled "Marital Healing". Then throw it all out the damned window.
Gene and I had a terrible fight the other day. It wasn't really about anything life-altering, but it got ugly fast. It was about how much we had scheduled for the weekend, turned into who has more freedom, who is calling the shots in the house, who has more issues with rage, etcetera. It turned into screaming. Greyson was in my arms. Gene actually put his hand over my mouth and told me to shut up.
This is not the couple who, a few short days ago sat in a dimly lit restaurant reading old love letters.
I fear that we don't have the coping skills necessary to sustain this family in an emotionally healthy way. Maybe it's too late-maybe we have learned these patterns. I feel like Gene expects the very worst of me, even when I am feeling charitable and loving. But when I am suspected of harboring evil, it always comes out.
DAMN IT this is hard. Painstaking. Excruciating.
Here are the rules of the interview game!
1. Leave a comment saying you want to be interviewed.
2. I'll reply and give you five questions to answer.
3. You'll update your LJ or blog with the five questions answered.
4. You'll include this explanation.
5. You ask other people five questions when they want to be interviewed. And it just keeps going, and going, and going.
My questions are from Chryse
Kym:
1. Who was your first crush? Did you ever tell them?
The first one I remember was Frank Parker in grade school. Being the out there kind of person I am, of COURSE I told him. He was my first kiss, under some mistletoe that I held over his head. That was fifth grade. LOL.
2. What candy reminds you of your childhood? Do you still like it?
What an innnnnnteresting question. There were these little chocolate, cherry and coconut striped candies from Brach's that my grandparents always had. That was the first candy to pop into my head as I read the question. Yes, I still like them, but I never buy them. Now, I'm a Hershey's gal.
3. If someone handed you a potion that would allow you to live forever, would you take it? Why?
How timely. I just watched Tuck Everlasting. No, I wouldn't. I wouldn't want to outlive my loved ones. And, I think I would be eager to get on to the next life or the next *whatever* it is that I am supposed to do.
4. If you could go back in time and erase one thing that you have done, what would it be?
Hmm. I usually end up regretting things I didn't do. Once, however, I told a lie that really affected a group of people. It was a sheer-made-up-only-told-for-the-drama lie, and I hurt people in the process. I'd take that back.
5. Name three things that make you smile.
1. My kids.
2. Dancing.
3. Long afternoon drives with good company (even if the company is only me) and good tunes.
I just have to write about this. Grrr. I teach aerobics classes (J*zzercise) as a sub. I had agreed to teach a class this coming Tuesday night. In the meantime, something very important came up. I'm not going to say what came up. I'm feeling a little paranoid about it. Anyway, trust me...it's not me going to get my toenails done or something frivolous.
Anyway, I called the owner to tell her unfortunately something had come up and I wasn't going to be able to teach, and that I was sorry. She was not nice. She did not care. She was not a bit understanding. She said, "Well, that's fine, but you need to find someone to teach it for you." Let me tell you, the franchise rules state that the CLASS OWNER is responsible for covering the class. However, I did make some calls. By Saturday morning, I hadn't found anyone yet. She called me back on my machine (I was in the shower). Her message was cold as ice, asking me to call her and let her know who was covering the class.
In the meantime, I got out of the shower just in time to take another call. This time, it was my boss, M., from another town where I teach one class weekly, and sub when I can. This other owner (let's call her J.) had called M. to ask if anyone was free to teach the class. THEN she went on to say how unreliable I was! M. took up for me, and called to give me the heads up about it. She passed on that J. had also talked to my FORMER boss, and SHE said that I had called off too often for her liking too! {I'm sure this is getting confusing...sorry...so far, there are three other women besides me here...bear with me}.
Soo....luckily, M. said to J. that she'd never had a problem with me, that I was reliable and a great instructor.
So, later in the day I called J. back. I told her that I was truly sorry, that I hadn't yet found another sub, and I did assert myself that I was unhappy about her calling colleagues to talk disparagingly about me. She said, "Well, you are being very unprofessional". I again explained to her WHY I couldn't teach, and that I had called her as soon as I found out...and given her FIVE DAYS NOTICE! She kept harping about how short of notice that was. ??? She told me that my former boss (E.) had agreed that I was very unprofessional, unreliable, yada yada.
When I did call off this winter, eight times mind you, MY KIDS WERE VERY ILL! I couldn't just LEAVE them with someone to infect. They weren't just running a cold. THEY WERE SICK! All winter!!!!! Not only that, but when I DID call off from E's class, she acted very understanding and told me no problem. How two faced of her!
How DARE she defame my reputation?? I have kicked my ASS finding kid care for Jazzercise (esp for E's class...there is no child care center!). I NEVER call off for no reason. I LOVE teaching classes.
And this J. person...my situation is MUCH more important than a Tuesday night step class. She had NO understanding at ALL. She thought I should drop what I was doing and just teach the class. ?????? WHAT THE FUCK?!
I'm still upset! I need to get over this! AHHHHH!
One more thing, and then I will try to shut up about it: This J. person is very influential, good friends with the District Manager, and I have heard is prone to gossip. This KILLS me.
/end rant for now.
Going through the motions of carrying on my life
Living the life I've been handed instead of the life I desire
Even my words and emotions seem scripted
Somehow carving out the person inside
The one I really am
Free of expectations, habit, guilt, social conventions, and head games
The authentic self
That's what I am looking for. How does one get there?
My thoughts late, late at night.
I will get less than five hours sleep tonight. It's no wonder I am slightly insane.
Kymmie
Dare I ask if it is possible? Gene and I had the BEST talk tonight. I found, after searching for almost five years, our love letters. {They were in a box marked "Star Wars Collectibles". Go figure...} Anyway, we took them out to dinner with us, just the two of us, and read and laughed. I cried.
Because of my past, because of all the pain that I have internalized, because I never felt secure as a child, I have given all of my bad side to Gene through the years. He has been my security as well as my punching bag. But he has loved me. I push him away, but he's still there.
Yes, he can be a sonofabitch at times. He fights dirty. He's high strung as I am. He has faults, and our marriage has been tested.
I looked at him across the table tonight, reading those old letters, hearing him say that he loves me even *more* than that 22 year old boy. I thought about him with our children. They have his eyes. They have his thoughtful expression. They will always know the love of their Daddy...that means the world to me.
He told me tonight that he just wants me to be well and happy. I think I believe him.
I think I could try letting him love me.
I think I might be able to try loving him again.
Don't know what to say. Still alive. My life is fine, I have it made, I am too messed up to enjoy it.
Will blog when I have something decent to say.
Here’s the truth: I want it all. I want to be a stay at home mom and raise my kids, but I don’t want to have one income. I want to stay at home, yet I don’t want to be home all day. (I get too bored!! LOL!)
Most of all, what I want right now is to be free at night. It feels urgent. It feels like a need instead of a want. I know that the baby is young and still needs me a lot. I just wish I could be mommy all day and single young thang all night.
Here I am, completely honest and unfiltered. I think I look good. Yet, I look in the mirror and see wrinkles setting themselves in for the long haul. My hair is less lustrous; my eyes look more tired. I know how awful I must seem, but it is how I feel. I want to enjoy my beauty while it is at it's peak. I never appreciated my body when I was young.
When I go out, I like the attention I get from men and women alike. I like the feeling of (almost) forgetting that I am mommy, that I had oatmeal on my shirt and a bandana in my hair. Forgetting that these breasts are better suited for nursing than attracting potential lovers. (I hate being so vain, but I must be honest with myself...I am feeling this way, good or bad.)
I wonder where this desire to be free comes from? Getting married at the immature (for me) age of 20? Merely being in my thirtysomethings now? Leaving my career to be Mommy Eternal? The fact that my mother had here mini-life crisis at thirty and left us on the quest for partying? I don’t know, and don’t know if finding out would help. All I know is that I feel torn apart by my love and devotion to my family, and the incomprehensible lure of the clubs.