This was the BEST Halloween we've had yet. Wasn't sure it was going to be, Greyson was kinda cranky and Gene called to say he'd be running late (again! Grrr!) So, I fed the kids and got them ready...Gene got home about five minutes after ToT was supposed to begin. But, we threw our shoes on and rushed out to have the nicest evening! The weather is absolutely balmy. The kids were in great moods. Delaney was being especially charming and adorable. She'd tell everyone what her costume was, talked to other trick or treaters, thanked everyone profusely. I just HAVE to post some of the cute things she said.
"That was a nice lady...she offered me an extra one for my brother! Lady...excuse me? But you're very nice!"
"Oh, I see you are dressed as a mermaid. That's a lovely mermaid costume. I have one myself, but asyou may see, I am being a butterfly fairy!"
"Dad, tell me why people would want to go around scaring children? Don't they realize it is SCARY to wear masks like that? Sheesh!"
"If I see a policeman and he asks me if I'm okay, I will just say 'Yes, don't worry about me, my parents are here'!"
"Hello...no more candy for me. thanks...I've got enough!"
Greyson even got out of the stroller and made a terrific go at trick or treating. He said "Teat!" and "Coo coo!" at every house. He didn't miss one.
AHHH! I am so happy tonight!
Looking back at the last few years tonight. So many changes made slowly over time. Much progress with little slides back, but always the steps go forward.
I hate it when I do stupid things, but I expect too much of myself. I expect perfection. And I fail. So what to do? I keep trying to get better. And I will fail again. And I will do well again.
Number one, do what is right. Take a minute before you act or open your mouth and figure out what right is.
Number two, stop telling everyone everything. They don't want to or need to know.
Number three, if someone in your life is causing you lots of pain and grief and they don't seem to much care about their stomping around on your feelings, you can do two things: First, confront. If that doesn't work eventually (and I am not talking about years here...changes should start showing fairly quickly), then move on to people who are better to you.
Number four, start believing in your own divinity.
Number five, stop wishing you could be what you want, and start BEING that person.
I've got plenty of hope for that, along with plenty of assurance that I will screw up royally during the journey. Here's the thing-I'm still gonna journey.
Stolen from Debra, who took it from Toni
Ten Years Ago:
* I was 21 years old!
* I had been married for a year. I can't believe I hadn't met my best friend Misty yet!
* We had two huge cars given to us by each set of parents for college.
* I had just changed my major to Elementary Education.
* We had no babies, but lots of s^x! LOL. (Note: This entry has been edited to prevent further spam - we had to delete 115 spam comments from this one entry alone! Pathetic jerks.)
Seven Years Ago:
* The year was 1996. I was 24. I graduated from college that year.
* Also, we moved from the town we spent four years in. I was very depressed upon moving here.
* Gene was travelling a LOT. I was lonely and bitter.
* I got down to 102 sickly bony pounds.
* I was a substitute teacher and hated it.
* I also taught daycare that summer, and didn't like that much.
Five Years Ago:
* I was 26.
* We had a new Delaney, and around this time of year, she was coming out of her colic and being so beautiful!
* My best friend moved to Los Angeles.
* I met my other best friend (*See bottom of this entry for entire best friend list), Nichole and her family and mine began spending lots of time together.
Three Years Ago:
* I was 28.
* I met my friend Tanya, who I only had known in an internet capacity. My whole family and hers took a huge leap of faith, and we are still good friends today.
* I started teaching my dance team.
* I started therapy for the first time.
* My sister and nephew lived with us for a few months, which was so good and bad...
Two Years Ago:
* I was 29.
*I was the owner of my own Jazzercise business.
* I was pregnant carrying Greyson man.
* I was spending a ton of time with my friend Marlanna.
* I flew to Los Angeles and left Delaney home in Ohio for three whole days! That was tough, but also good in a way.
One Year Ago:
* I was 30 and lovin' it.
* I went back to Sub status with Jazzercise, and was glad.
* I met my bestest newfound friends.
* We knocked out our beautiful fireplace and I grieved.
* Greyson was a scrawny, sickly little baby. Delaney went through strange times.
* It was the hardest year of my marriage.
Today:
* I am 31. Almost 32! Woah!
* I am back in therapy.
* My kids are in a much more manageable place! Shhhh...I didn't say that out loud...
* I am still the sub.
* I am thinking about a new career.
Tomorrow:
*I may go back to school for massage therapy.
* We won't be struggling with money.
* We might sell our house and move.
* I'd like to have a nice pet.
Did you know what you were doing while you were doing it? Did you really care? Did you plan each thing you did and said, making sure I was completely captivated...captive? Did you know the impact your actions would have? Did you get off on having all of that power?
It's not the kind of power that will make you prosper. No. It will make you withered and weak.
I have the power now, the power that comes from a life well-lived. That comes from strength, perserverance, and the sheer will to survive.
I've done more than that. Survived I did, and not only that, I've triumphed. I have friends, a beautiful family. I am mother to a daughter, a healthy, beautiful, SAFE and AWARE girl. A girl who will TELL ME if one of your kind bothers her. I am mama to a boy, a boy who will value women and not treat them like you did all of us. You filthy, ignorant, SAD creature.
You have no power over me. I am vomiting you out day by day. You are nothing. I pity you.
I had the pleasure of seeing four folksy womyn songwriters on Sunday evening. Mary Chapin Carpenter, Patty Griffin, Shawn Colvin and Dar Williams played at the Palace Theatre in Columbus this past Sunday eve, and my friend Katye (see Love and A Steady Hand) went together.
I don't own any of their albums, but I now have a new appreciation for each of them.
Makes me want to get my poetry out, maybe post some here.
During the concert, I wondered what it was like to sit and watch so closely and intimately while another artist, your peer, someone you probably admire and envy, perform their craft. I imagine it feels amazing, electric, even reverent.
I once dreamed of being some kind of performance artist. I love going to shows, plays, musical performances...I absorb the energy and wonder at the talent.
1. What is your favorite time of year and why?
My favorite time of the year is RIGHT NOW. I love autumn. I love that you don't have to turn on the heat or the air conditioner. I love that you can open the windows in the house and get the breeze blowing through. I love that you don't have to look for a jacket, but you don't swelter in the heat. I love the smell in the air, the crispness of the leaves, the contrast between the clear blue sky and the rust-colored leaves, the beauty and brilliance of it all.
2. What do you think is your greatest strength as a person, and what one aspect of yourself do you think still needs work?
Greatest Strength...wow, that's a tough one, because I do think I am a kick ass girl. I'd have to pick my desire and willingness to keep on working on my issues, and to gently and kindly use my gifts to help others go on their journey. I try to find the good in everyone (and with few exceptions, I find a lot of good if I look!), and try to give people the benefit of the doubt that what they are doing is the best they know how..
Room for Improvement: I am only picking one. I don't like that I expect more from my kids than I would expect from any other kid. It's like I expect my kids to be quieter, more well-behaved, more polite, more everything. They simply aren't capable of holding it together all the time, and it's not fair for me to get angry at them for not being able to do so.
3. If you could go anywhere in the world right now, where would it be and who would you take with you?
Honestly, right now I think I'd go alone. I would go to a quiet little beach front, take my journals, and write a lot and BE ALONE! Later in the week, I'd send for Gene and the kids, and of course, some very close friends and their families. And several nannies.
4. What is the best thing about your relationship with Gene?
Damn, woman, you ask the hard questions! I don't know if this is the BEST thing, because there are so many good things. I'd say that the fact that we have each other's backs. I know I can fuck up good, be an ass, then come and ask for forgiveness, and I am gonna get it. Not saying that I enjoy abusing that privelege, but it's nice to know I don't have to be superhuman to get his love. That's just one thing.
5. What's one thing you think your parents (separately or together, you choose) did really well for you while you were growing up?
HA! This is easy to answer, and I bet you thought I'd struggle for an answer. My mom was great at things like stories, making them up, embellishing them, doing puppet plays, singing songs, reciting nursery rhymes, teaching me my letters, things like that.
My dad never missed an event. If I was singing, cheering, or whatever, he was there. In the front row with a big ole grin.
6. What do you wish for Delaney's and Greyson's futures?
I wish them to be comfortable with who they are, to find their passion and pursue it, to find love and appreciate it.
So, here are some great things going on in this neck of the woods.
1. Delaney is writing a fabulous, detailed story about she and her friend Mara, and their visit to a farm. Which has never happened, so it's all her imagination. She's working her ass off on the story.
2. Greyson is adding new words all the time. Even if they are being added differently than Delaney added them. I think he's amazing, and sooo cute.
3. The anniversary celebration was nice! Will post pics when I can.
And much more. But I am so very tired.
Goodnight!
Here is a thing about me. If I am not able to fully bitch it out, it stays inside me and I stew and fret. Now it is out of me, and I am feeling fine. Mostly. Still have a few confrontations to do, but it's all good.
This post is a reminder to me to talk about some of the good things goin' on. No time now-dinner!
I walked in my garden today. I planted that garden with another family, close friends of ours. I had hoped that under my friend S's caring tutelage, the garden would flourish. I have a black thumb, but she, being a witchy wise woman of the Earth, grows bountiful, lush, beautiful plants.
This was not the case with my sad, sad garden. As silly as it sounds, I feel like it was because the garden was on my land. Under my care.
Today was resplendant with autumn-ness. But as I walked in the weeded-over garden, I felt demoralized. It seemed symbolic of what I'm capable of. Grandiose intentions which never materialize into anything productive.
My weeks have been spent in therapy (YES I AM FUCKING CRAZY! (Borderline personality disorder, you think? Nice search query. STOP SEARCHING FOR THAT ON MY SITE!), and I fret that it will be all for naught. Therapy didn't work for my mother. And I am at the point where I dread going. I don't want to take that next step down into the shadows. It's too pretty outside. Still, I go. Plod, plod, plod.
Hey, you. If you don't want to hear me whine, get the hell out and don't read anymore.
I don't feel safe on this blog anymore. I guess it will be back to paper journalling for all the REAL stuff I'm thinking.
If she gossips about her, then what does she say about me when I am not there?
Time to get back into balance. I gotta have a rest break.
Nobody will take care of you as well as you.
Random thoughts on which I can't expand here.
I just checked my activity log. Very interesting. There was a new entry from someone I don't know, whose email was not valid. There were also several searches on the site. Queries for some odd keywords. I'm a little creeped out.
Today didn't start out so great. Nothing was working the way I hoped it would. Also, it is our eleventh anniversary, and Gene had warned me that he would be home extra late (which was after 8:00 p.m...and he fell asleep tucking Delaney in! LOL!)
Anyway, I was quite fortunate that my plans didn't work out today. I had a hair appointment at a salon about a half hour away. For reasons that nobody could help, I had no kid care during my appointment time. So, disappointed but resigned, I called to cancel. Not five minutes later, a friend called me. She is a hair stylist. She called to offer me her help, and I begrudgingly said yes. I was just in that grumpy kind of place where nothing seemed appealing. Plus, I knew Greyson would be here and be clinging to my leg or something, and she would be bringing two more little kids. I am picky about my hair, as well. I'm just high maintenance dammit!
Anyway, I couldn't turn her down. She was being SO sweet to me. She showed up, we ordered pizza, the kids were great, and we had the NICEST visit. That woman is an angel. She just wanted to help me. And the best part was the fact that she recognized that I have been really going out of my way to help people lately. That just made my day. I'm not saying that the people I've been helping out haven't been appreciative, but to this person who isn't in my everyday life notice means that my light must be out there, shining bright enough for SOMEONE else to see.
I am SO glad that things didn't work out. I feel like I made a new friend today.
:o)
Oh yeah, and my hair turned out nice!
Here are the rules:
Email or message me telling me you want to be interviewed. Then I will give you five questions, which you answer at your own blog.
Then, people can ask YOU to give them five questions, and so on, and so on...
Here are Katye's, as promised!
1. What is your favorite foreign accent?
2. What is your greatest strength as well as your greatest weakness as a parent?
3. If you could switch bodies with one person for a week, who would you choose and what would you do with their life while inhabiting their body?
4. Do you think the Democrats will pull something together for the next election? If not, will you vote Nader?
5. Why do you think you and I got together?
I've been reading this wonderful book called The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron. In it, she claims basically that if you want something, simply seek and you shall find.
There's a cynical side to me that says "Suuuure...". That doesn't believe it's possible.
Hope still peeks her head out. I imagine what life would be like if I were doing what I truly want. Those fantasies are so attractive. I bask in the glow. I believe in them!
What are your dreams?
I only wish I had made up the clever title for him. I have to say, I'm not a bit surprised that he won. Our society as a whole prizes celebrity and money more than anything. Who cares that he has no career of public service, that he has shady dealings in his past (I will try to find the link between Arnold and the Enron scandal). But really, it is a moot point now because the man is in office.
Whatever. I have very little faith in our government anyway.
Sigh...