Thanks, Management. (Formerly Talktalk}

eh?

your fuck.


What swear word are you?
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Suffer

Suffer my anguish
Stifle my cries
Ignore my truth
Hold on to my lies
Do as I say
Not as I do
Cradle the broken
Pieces of you

Do my bidding
Bear my pain
Know that your loss
Becomes my gain
Do what I want
Jump when I say
Come when I call you
Then just fade away

Suffer my pity
I scoff with glee
At your aching
At your misery
Come to my bed
Do what I want you to do
Suffer my desire
My desire for you

poetry continued

His Face

His face is hidden from me now
Yet I recall it
I see it as clearly as
If he were here
Still
Quiet
Eyes burning passionate blue
Blazing the true fire of his Soul
Sparking out the flames of his intensity
Eyes closed now, in sleep,
Forehead smooth and calm...
Succulent lips so slightly parted
Angel's face
Devil's charm
His face is hidden-
Turned away
Cheeks on his pillow, toward the wall
I tap him on the shoulder
Just to have him turn-
Open sleepy eyes-
And kiss-
His face

{{This one was about my high school boyfriend. We had lots of passionate fighting and passionate sex. But you know what? I felt unconditionally loved.}}

Parody

I am a Parody
of Myself
Pretending to be
The Me you've come to know

Happy, content with my lot
Never asking
Always willing
Pleasing everyone
Except, most often,
Myself.

I am an Actor
Entertaining the discerning crowd,
Fooling the best audiences
Even, sometimes,
Myself.

His EyesHis Eyes
Sweet Soul
In them I see
Beginnings
Innocence
Eternities

Who came up with the notion of Original Sin?
No evil I see
When I look within

His Life
Purely Blessed
God’s gift to me
Purity
Angelic
And totally Free

{{This one is really sappy, I know, but it is about Greyson, written really soon after his birth, and published in Crunchy Granola Earthmama Says...}}

Throwing Images

artist painting hues of fire
embers from the scenes of life
throwing illusions upon the canvas
tastes like-
smells like-
reminiscent of-
artist brushing on the imagery
can't quite make it real
can't quite be in the real world
ethereal girl, keep on painting
be glad for your art
the only thing that keeps you real
the one thing keeping you apart

{{This one is about the perception, by me, that I can't really make myself clear through regular words. I feel like only a few people understand me, and it's a big block for me. But it seems my poetry makes sense to people. Maybe. Sometimes.}}

More poems!

Wintertime of my Soul

My soul lies dormant
No growth
Trees bare
Cold, but not dead
For me, a time
Of stark reflection
Silence

My heart lies waiting
Patiently believing
That Spring
Shall return...

Fall/Trust (written for my friend Lynda)

Fall
Fall striaght back
I am here
Waiting to catch

Tear down the walls
The walls that were built for protection
They only make you elusive now

Trust
Trust in the strength of your soul
Trust in the power of your love
Trust that what you are sending is returning to you
Let not your fear be victor
Over love

Fall straight back
Jump off the ledge
Not knowing where you'll land
Fall
Trust

Before

I knew before I fell asleep
The angel inside me whispered
"Mama-I'm here"
I felt the stirring
Of your heart
Before I even said
Goodnight to your Daddy

That night, after we made love,
I walked naked to the window
And by the glow of new moonlight
I welcomed you

So in touch are we, my child
So synchronized
Our heartbeats one

Before the first sign of you
I knew you
I felt you
I beckoned you
Into being

More later. This is fun for me.

Set me Free

Since I am sharing poems...

Everything I know of bitterness
Tastes like you
Set me free
You hold onto me
Like a posession, once valuable
Now you don't know what to do with me
Keep me in a box
Throw me away?
It isn't a casual choice
Set me free
I don't love you
You don't love me
Surrender to the unknown
That is the key

Pieces of fluff/I'm not a real writer

For as long as I can remember, I've been writing down pieces of dialogue, bits of a story, lines of poetry. I just feel like putting some of them here. I don't want critique. And I am not putting them here because some special someone is now writing her novel. It's my blog and if you don't like it, leave.

**Her eyes flashed with ferocity. In a moment, the answers were known, though unspoken. Her eyes were like that, telling all of her secrets, betraying her. {Just came up with that one tonight.}

**From a dark cavern
A dried up ocean
A broken music box
A lonely prison
All I knew was madness, madness
Then came you

**That's not the path I chose
I chose the one with fight
I chose to do what's right
I chose to live in the light

{There was a lot more to that one, but it's kinda personal and I'm feeling really, really violated by someone right now, so don't want to put it all out there for now}

**"I've always thought I'd kill myself when I was happy. Ya know, leave when the party is still going, make a nice exit. Then, when I look back at it, I'll remember all the fun I was having. No, I am not going to die in a fit of depression, crying, whining. I'm gonna go out laughing." She says all this casually, putting out her cigarette on the bottom of her shoe.

"Then why go out at all? Why not stay, there's always another party," I say, not managing to sound casual. I'm not. Casual, I mean. I'm panicky. My heart is jackhammering out of my chest at the mere thought of losing her.

"Two reasons," she answers, looking me straight in the eye, and not missing a beat. "One, I know the party only lasts so long. Then it's back to pain. I've had enough of that." She lights another cigarette already, drags on it, never takes her eyes off mine.

"And two?" My voice cracks, making me sound the fool I am.

"I always know when to leave the party".

** Silken threads of twilight remain in this place
Echoes of lullabies stir in the air
The last coral sunlight lingers on her face
Scent of lavendar in her hair
Daughter of mine, let slumber take you
Daughter of mine, let sleep give you peace

{That one needs to get finished but I can't find the words to convey what I want to say.}

**Reach into me
Pull out my strength
Find my beauty
Discover the child in me

Hold a mirror to me
Show me what's inside
Uncover my demons
And exorcise them

Cover me
With wings of steel
Armor of petals
Protection like a tiger

Be all things to me
Be my lover
My friend
My muse
And help me love myself

**One clear colored stone
And one band of gold wrapped 'round
Shows the world I'm yours

{that's my attempt at haiku!! LOL!!}

I think that's enough for now. These are just some of the ones I found today. For laughs, I might put in my fire and desire poem from 11th grade.

G'night.

I'm Lime!

You are Lime.
You are quirky and misunderstood. You are
definitely your own person. You don't let
anyone tell you who you should be. You never
sell out your values and beliefs, no matter
what. However, you can sometimes have trouble
fitting in, but only because you are
misunderstood.
Most Compatible With: Wintergreen


Which Tic-Tac Flavor Are You?
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everybody leaves

Sometimes I feel like the life I am living isn't the one I am supposed to. I'm just blindly getting through days. Only these days have been good...the most recent ones. Too good.

I'm so afraid that I am putting so much faith in these people, and eventually, they won't even be in my life anymore. Because EVERYBODY LEAVES. Period. All you have is you, and maybe your family and maybe your kids, but all you have guaranteed is you. I know my kids and I will be bonded forever, but eventually, they too, will go on their way. Gene will leave. Everybody does.

How do you reconcile that? Can someone tell me how to keep a little piece of my heart safe? Because I feel like I am giving it all away, and when they leave, it will devastate me. I will be left behind, an empty shell, because all I've filled my days with will be gone. They will move on, I will grieve.

And THAT is what that last entry was missing. That is what is bothering me about spending so much time with friends-the fact that it is all so temporary. So fucking arbitrarily temporary.

Everybody leaves. I learned that lesson much too early on, but you know what? It's just true. Call me jaded. I'd rather be jaded than fooled again, ya know?

Everybody leaves. There is about a three year turnover on friendships. Why, oh why have I let myself get in so deep and intense? Again?! With every good memory, I will fuel my despair. For every day spent in good company, knowing someone is there for me and I for them, for all the rapport and trust we build, life will tear down.

Everybody ALWAYS leaves. It is inevitable. It is the truth which holds no hope for changing. People leave you, lives change with the course of the wind. In five years, the best friends I have will be distant strangers to me. They will pay short visits, ask me what's new...we will forget each other slowly, over time, just as we have learned to know each other.

Everybody just leaves.

So how can I get used to it? Please, if I can learn the lesson to keep my heart...

I just need to write tonight

I haven't gotten to write in my actual journal for days and days now! I think it was Monday night, or Tuesday. Sunday's come, and I just haven't gotten a chance.
I started reading The Artist's Way, and I wanted to commit to doing the three morning pages a day, but have not. And I wonder why.

My days go like this: Wake up, and if it's a Jazzercise day, get the kids and me ready and head right out the door, feed kids in car. (BAD! I know!) Do jazz class, come home, usually see a friend for lunch or in the afternoon, try to squeeze in time for working with Delaney one on one, or housework, or something. Dinner is something very simple. A thousand phone calls to friends. I think I am a bit out of balance here.

While we're talking about phone calls, can I just say how much I hate the phone sometimes? Even though I am so often the one who initiates the call? I'm so weird. I always want to call my girls in the morning and see what's going on, but it ends up to be a thirty minute conversation! Except with Katye, she will hang right up when I say I need to go. Thanks, K! I'm not blaming the rest of them, I am as bad as they are, yammering on when the chat ought to be done.

Anyway, if it isn't a jazz morning, more often than not, we are doing a MOMS club event, or watching other kids, or on our way SOMEWHERE. But if we actually have a home day, we watch a little telly, have a little breaky, and start playing. I play for awhile, then I get bored and have to start working. The computer always beckons me for a minute or two (which turns into fifteen).

I think I'd like to start doing less running. I need the jazzercise time, and I commit myself to it, because it's something I do for me, and I feel better.
I love spending time with my friends, but I think I do it too much lately.
My house was piled up last week...mercy!

I am dreading this Tuesday because I am having a bunch of kids over to watch, and I'm just feeling so tired about it already.

There are certain kids that I watch that don't tire me at all, or very little. The Tuesday kids tire me out a little, but it shouldn't be bad. (That's me convincing myself, I'm afraid it will be really bad!!)

Stream of consciousness typing isn't quite as satisfying as SOC writing in a cafe with a beautiful pen. Iwish I was there, on a snowy Saturday morning with a hot cuppa and my pretty journal, listening to jazz....ahhhhh!

Anyway, I have laundry on the couch to fold yet. Grrr. We didn't get done near what I'd hoped this weekend. Dh is such a procrastinator. (Hi honey! Sorry, it's true!)

We did have a very nice weekend, though! We have the best friends!! :o) I lvoe entertaining here...Friday night was so nice. And Saturday, we had Renata all day which was just awesome. Today, we got to see Dominick, who hasn't been here in over a year!

I am very nervous about my ability to handle this winter. Last winter 'bout kicked my ass. What will I do to overcome it?

I am making chili and cornbread for a new mommy tomorrow! I love to do that, makes me feel good and needed.

Eyes getting heavy. Sleepy. Must fold and go sleep next to the amazing boy of coughing fits. He hasn't slept well in almost a week! Hope this fucking cold is over soon, for both of us!

"I hate flowers.

...I only paint them because they are cheaper than models and they don't move".
~Georgia O'Keefe

Fantastic!! You are GEORGIA O'KEEFE.
You are a true spirit of nature, and it shows in
the flowing floral paintings for which you are
most famous. You feel the beauty of all things
around you, and your friends appreciate you for
your ability to share that extraordinary beauty
with them.


Which famous artist most reflects your personality?
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And, for the record, I LOVE flowers.

Random thoughts part 802

1. Greg from the Wiggles always has armpit stains. What is up with that? Am I the only one noticing? If so, why am I looking at Greg's pits? If not, why isn't anyone taking him aside for the deodorant/antiperspirant talk?

2. Jon on Survivor is a rat reincarnated as a human. Or maybe a weasel. Nah, a rat. I have never seen anyone so dorky be so self-congratulatory.

3. I could grow a Hu77%%Ge C0c!K if I just replied to that email...trouble is, I don't like roosters in my yard...

4. Dear person in car in front of me. Green arrow means go ahead. Be agressive, B-E aggressive.

5. Dear person who thinks she is so culturally aware, hip, liberal and open-minded. You're not. Get a clue. Also, you are not the moral compass of us all. But thanks for trying.

6. John Cusak dating Brittany Spears is the most depressing news I have heard all day. Next, my beloved Johnny Depp will have taken up with that poser PJ Harvey. Sob!!

7. I think that the world is ignoring a very important energy supply-snoring. My Maude, if you hooked up some kind of generation machine to my husband, I bet he could keep a poor Tibetan family in electricity for a week.

Getting well

One of the weird things about getting mentally healthy is that you don't have your old patterns to fall back on.

Spiritual topics today

For years and years, I have been attracted to witches and witchcraft. Years ago, when Gene and I were dating, Grandpa Jacobs was telling about his experiences with telepathy and astral projection. I was fascinated. Grandma Jacobs "made" him stop, but I could tell that he had a deep connection with the spiritual world that we can't understand.

Over the past five years, I have met some brilliant, attractive people, many of them witches. And inside me, I am drawn to the magical, mysterious aspect of the practice.

I don't want to be a witch because I think it's "cool" or because everyone's doing it. Still, it calls to me. More than any other religion I have studied, though I appreciate aspects of many of them.

Just my ponderings of the hour.

My experiment

From the time my now-five-year-old was around fifteen months old, I've been babysitting kids. I've kept track. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I have babysat, NOT FOR PAY, for trades, at least once a week since then except for a short respite when Greyson was born and when I was on vacation. And usually, the experience is delightful and short (delightfully short? LOL!).

This week, an experiment I've been trying for the last three weeks finally was a success. I didn't watch any kids this week, not once. The experiment was, basically, not to offer to watch anyone's kids, and to actually say no if asked *UNLESS one of my bestests had an emergency, of course*. It worked! I'm so surprised!

Ready to watch kids again...Katye, it IS your turn, you know!!