so, now that things are clear and i have some happy, i look back at the last episode of darkness.
when i am there, i can't look to here with any clarity.
i think i have a life-threatening illness. truly, life threatening. my therapist must be fired. she doesn't even know who i really am. i haven't been able to lay it all out, because i can feel how stilted she is, how narrow her view is. i can only give her so much, only the polished edges. she can't see down to the rough of me. here's a laugh, she told me to bake gene a pie to get him to listen to me.
a pie, really.
i can't even make a decent crust.
during my rainbow times, i can see that my problems are only problems, surmountable, fixable. i can see all the good things in my life. during the darkness, i can't even believe they were ever there. truly, it is like there are two of us.
today, and this weekend, i felt free and whole and normal.
i can't even explain how weird it is to be in that other mind. it is truly frightening, because she wants us dead.
i want to stay here and work everything out and be a real, passionate, articulate, rebellious, mercurial, dancing fireball. i almost believe that it is possible.
Ummm...this is gonna sound needy or corny, but I don't really care anymore.
I'd love comments on my poems, as long as the comments don't say, GAWD that poem sucks.
Thanks!
Today, I went out with a group of my students from Reynoldsburg. So many things have come to light. I'm kind of naiive. I think this decision has just gotten easier.
What this Jazzershit has taught me is this: Everyone can not be taken at their word. Not everyone thinks of others. Money is a powerful motivator. Integrity is worth more than monetary wealth. Be wary, be careful of who you trust. True friends are rare, but precious.
every time i surface
come up for air
try to take a breath
fill up my lungs with coal black ash
take me back
back underwater
i can see the water closing in on me
and though its true i cannot breathe
its comforting here
here underneath
the surface
the pain is real
but its what i know
bearable for now
because when i come up
when i think i'm coming up
something new attacks my mind
then down i slip
back underneath
where things are black, but i don't mind
i just can't deal
with what i feel
up near
the surface
a life of swallowing pain
taught me
not to take, not to trust
especially not to drown in the lake
the lake of tears that sometimes comes
when i try to breathe
when i try to get past
the stuff
up near
the surface
i don't know if i can do this much longer.
When I turned 30, I thought I'd missed it. Missed the whole "I'm old now that I am over thirty!" thing. I was soooo above it.
Yeah, RIGHT.
Thirty two is kicking my ass. My skin is both wrinkly and pimply. My body isn't the same at all, despite my efforts to exercise and give up Cokes and some sugar (can't totally give it up!) I am feeling more tired than usual, and it takes me longer to recover from an injury or workout than I feel it should.
Most of all, my looks are leaving. Don't get me wrong, I never have thought I was a beauty queen, but I was at least cute with a good, athletic build. Now, I look at a picture of myself and cringe. I feel like I look like Gollum. It's awful. And I am grieving over it. Pity, pity, pity.
NOTE! These lyrics are not written by me. They just mean a lot to me in my life right now.
Snippets from Dar Williams' After All
Go ahead, push your luck
Find out how much love the world can hold
Once upon a time I had control
And reined my soul in tight
Well the whole truth
Is like the story of a wave unfurled
But I held the evil of the world
So I stopped the tide
Froze it up from inside
And it felt like a winter machine
That you go through and then
You catch your breath and winter starts again
And everyone else is spring bound
And when I chose to live
There was no joy, it's just a line I crossed
It wasn't worth the pain my death would cost
So I was not lost or found
And if I was to sleep
I knew my family had more truth to tell
And so I traveled down a whispering well
To know myself through them
Well the sun rose with so many colors
It nearly broke my heart
And worked me over like a work of art
And I was a part of all that
'Cause for every price
And every penance that I could think of
It's better to have fallen in love
Than never to have fallen at all
'Cause when you live in a world
Well it gets in to who you thought you'd be
And now I laugh at how the world changed me
I think life chose me after all
I listened to this song today, and wept. Sobbed like I hadn't in years. It felt good. It felt like something, anyway, instead of the dead frozen space I'd been in. So, take these and think on them. Thank you, Dar Williams, poet and heroine to me. Thanks to the friend who made me the cd, too...