I know this fabulous person named Justin. He's my friend. Like a kindred soul, spirit you've known forever and ever kind of friend. And he's moving to Vermont tomorrow morning. I didn't tell him in time how much he meant to me. I've spent the day in a state of mild grieving, and not too many people have really understood why. I understand why. It's because I love him (not romantically, but I just Love him. He's one of the Ones in my life, but he and I didn't have as much time this life as I would have chosen). Its because I love him and I didn't tell him in time, and now he's leaving.
He called me tonight to tell me goodbye one more time. I wanted to drive over and put my arms around him, but I just said goodbye and let it go. I wrote him a letter and told him how I feel.
Justin, Justin, you helped me break out of my shell, helped me transform from mousy blonde twentysomething into fiery redheaded artist. You are unique, true, honest, hilarious, sparkling, and tender. There is something about you that makes everyone in your presence feel like the most fascinating and special person on the planet.
I love you.
**sob**
The search for understanding is futile. Instead, seek to understand.
Expect not to be taken care of, but strive to care for all under your blanket of protection.
If there is someone toxic in your life, ask yourself what lesson you are being presented with by keeping them around.
Great joy and utter pain are often separated by very little.
Grottiness keeps one honest but not necessarily humble.
I'm full of shit tonight.
what guilt forces me down
this labrynthine corridor
terrible secrets lay waiting
in cobwebbed corners
nocturnal
i am the monster beneath the stairs
not him
he's long gone
ME
i'm the one now to fear
take your heart
draw you near
pierce you, then discard
like the bite of wormy apple
deceit my weapon
precision my tool
love is a sword
trust is a fool
too many years buried
under rug swept
lost in a battle i'd sooner forget
lost innocence wept
little lamb to the slaughter
five year old daughter
fifteen year old slut
mistress
wife
child of secrets
it's a secret no more
yes, sure, i was a whore
but only for him
i've suffered enough
but i can't stop the flow
the words may stop
but my mind stays on go
guess i need more Lexapro
author's note: i know this is horribly jumbled, but i just needed to get it out there.
And I am not speaking rhetorically here. How in the world does one teach a child about the world where we live? I am reading a book on ancient civilizations to my daughter, and she is angry as hell with the injustices. She wants so badly to believe that things have changed, and that all humans have the same rights. She wants to believe that adults are intelligent and kind and helpful. And so far, I've been able to squirm out of having a real talk about the state of the world. But I won't be able to weasel out of that little chat for long.
I can't believe all the terrible things I have heard in the last week. From the 9/11 commission's findings to the fact that GWB and Co. knew about abuses on prisoners to the beheadings that are going on left and right...I just don't know what is wrong.
My mom said it is starting to feel like it did back in the late sixties, an evil current in the air. I feel the chill, to be sure...
I am starting at Thursday.
Thursday, got up, taught Jazzercise. Went to meeting of a club I am in. Drove to Meigs County to see very ill grandma. Ends up they've moved her to a hospital 45 MORE minutes down the road. Drive there, see her, drive home, eat small taco on the way.
Friday, had a couple of free hours, three and a half actually, thanks to my friend Katye. THANK YOU KATYE! Than you so very much. Friday night, had dinner with friends, came home, finished packing for trip.
Saturday, went to family reunion 2.5 hours away, played hard all day, went to zoo, went putt putt golfing, took children to playground, didn't get dinner until ten pm, didn't get to bed until 12:30, had bad heartburn all night long.
Sunday, hubby's birthday, returned home, everyone had the shits. Went to Target with daughter to get meds. Came home, showered, got gussied up, went to ballet recital, came home, felt ill some more, visited with friends, had kids in bath after midnight.
Monday, lunatic children up at 7:30, went to Columbus to Health Food Stores with friend, left at 9:00 a.m. and got home by 2:00 p.m. Put away groceries, washed dishes, fed children, taught Jazzercise, went to grocery here in town to get things I forgot at big stores, returned coffee pot to friend, came home, four people called me, got kids dressed for bed, did the sixth poop diaper of the day while talking to Diana, did dinner dishes, tried to make self less stinky. Talked on phone some more, ate bunches of ice cream, blogging now.
Tomorrow, have to get up and teach class. Going to visit Diana. Have meeting with boss at 4. Must then get children fed. Have counselling appointment at 8 p.m. Am supposed to find time to buy litter box, cat food, and go pick up new kittens tomorrow at some point. WHEN?
Now, reading this, you might say, what a crazy week! But it's kinda the norm.
So when you call me, and I am not thrilled to death to be chatting on the phone, it's perhaps because when I am home, it is my sanctuary. It's my time to be with my kids, at my pace, and in my space.
Please don't take this personally. Most of you reading this understand and will graciously let me off the phone. I love my friends and love to visit with my friends. Come see me, let's do COSI, I will come over for breakfast, whatever. But please don't be angry with me if I don't chat for more than a few minutes.
Next year will be even busier because I will be homeschooling full time and also watching two other kids in the afternoons.
I really would like to be at home more doing my own fucking housework and yard projects. And reading. And playing neat games with my kids.
I need to do this!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Thank you, blog, for allowing me to vent here.
Here is my review of the Hollywoodized version of Troy.
Achilles: I am Achilles. I am an oily, muscled killing machine.
Agamemnon: I am the wicked King, feared by all. Except for that pesky Achilles! Damn him!
Paris: I'm a lover, not a fighter. And I love Helen! (Vacuous stare)
Helen: Ohh...Paris! (Vacuous stare)
Helen and Paris run away together.
Menalaus: That Trojan wussy stole my woman! I want my woman!
Agamemnon: I want Troy!
Menny and Aggie together: LET US BRING WAR!
Odysseus: Hey, Achilles. If you go to war for Agamemnon, your name will live forever in legend.
Achilles: Fuck Agamemnon! But yeah, whatever.
Hector: I honor the Gods, I love my woman, and I defend my country. Also, I wear tunics which reveal my bulging pectorals.
Priam creepily stares into the distance whilst making military decisions based on stupid shit like bird signs.
Briesias: I am a virgin acolyte to Apollo. Notice my luminous innocence. Did I mention that I'm a virgin?
Paris: This war is all my fault.
Hector: Why yes, what was your first clue?
Paris: I will fight Menalaus for the right to Helen.
Paris fights Menalaus until he starts getting his pansy ass whupped. Then, he hides behind big brother, who finishes the job for him. Still manages to be beautiful through the whole affair.
Achilles sees Briesias.
Achilles: You will ultimately succumb to my ultra maleness.
Briesias: No! Soldiers are dumb brutes! I will cut your throat! You are my enemy and you desecrated my Gods! Ahh, what the hell? FUCK ME ACHILLES!
Achilles, after shagging her: I'm getting a conscience. Nooooooooo!
Patroclus: I will atone for Achilles' sex-induced war avoidance. Uh oh! I've gone and gotten myself killed!
Hector: Oops! That wasn't Achiiles. My ass is grass!
Achilles: HECTOR!!!!! (repeat several times)
Achilles kills Hector, and then drags his body around for awhile.
Priam: Hey, asshole, have some honor.
Achilles. Oh alright! (sends Hector's body back home)
Meanwhile...
Odysseus: We're going to lose! Hey! Here's an idea-let's build a great big HORSE!
Greeks: Yeah!
Trojans: Oh look! A horsey!
Greeks: Sack Troy all to Hell.
Paris: Let's play Lord of the Rings. I'll be Legolas! (shoots arrow)
Achilles: OW! My heel! (Dies pretty).
The end