Thanks, Management. (Formerly Talktalk}

B@nkruptc!

Read between the lines...we filed today. As of 5:51 p.m. September 30, 2004, no more creditors calling me over thirty times a day (no lie!) My spouse and I will have a court date in 4-6 weeks, and then that huge sucking hole of stress in our lives will be...OVER.

I watched Gene's shoulders ever so slowly begin to relax throughout the 90 minute long attorney's appointment. The tears started in my chest, and finally worked their way out as we walked together out the door. I had no idea the tremendous weight that this was placing on me until the possibilty of relief was shown to me.

Today was a cloudless day, bright and blue. There's always a blue day after heavy rains have fallen.

The weight

Sometimes the weight of the world is just crushing. Tonight, it's crushing me. I am strong enough to push back against it these days. I'm just so very, very sad.

I don't understand how love grows and then dies. I don't understand how timing is so crucial. I am left wondering if instant karma IS gonna get me. I wonder if the Universe plays cruel jokes?

I will be okay, I don't need a bunch of ass kissing here, I am just sad. Things are hard. I chose this path, and I will survive.

It's just hard right now...so incredibly hard to know what is the right thing to do...

I like quizzes

You're a Summer. You're just a ball of energy that
is constantly going on and on!! You're kinda
like the energizer bunny. lol. But your
probably really athletic and even if you're
not, you'd be good in sports because of all
your energy. You're enthusiastic about
everything you do and find it hard not to be
happy. You're usually pretty optimistic but can
be realistic when needed. You always hope for
the best to turn out and many times they do.
Sometimes though, you let your temper get the
best of you but you apologize as soon as you
can because you hate people being angry with
you. You're friends love how active you are and
you make them feel like they can do anything
crazy if they want to.


What season are you? (pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

Rant

Dear Throat/head/okay, entire body

I have had the children occupied for THREE STRAIGHT WEEKENDS. This was MY weekend off, to work uninterrupted and to play. This is NOT my weekend to lay abed sick. So FUCK OFF and don't hurt, okay?

Thanks,
Me, your veggie and fresh fruit eating, plenty of exercise, 32 oz of water a day, handwashing self.

Bad pick up lines

I think I will start collecting these.

The latest one is this:
"Hey girl. Your hair is so red, and your eyes are so blue...which one's fake?" Then, when I told him my hair, he wanted me to take out my contact to prove it wasn't colored.

Here are some other ones.

"Is your husband here?"

"Have you seen my bedroom?" {Author's note: This isn't one I heard personally, but the fella who delivered the line to another woman 'fessed up.}

"I think girls with glasses is reaaaaaaaaaal purdy."

"Hey! You're the jazzercise lady! I used to check out your ass!" {This kid must have been no more than eighteen. Frightening!}

Of course, there was last year with the "Feel my muscles" guy...

DAMN these are funny!

Other faults

* I don't like to open up. Makes me vulnerable. I must have the upper hand.

* I don't like being told that I can't do something.

* I like to believe that I am invincible!

* I'm stubborn.

* I dwell in denial for a nice, long time sometimes.

I know there are more. I will never say that anyone is to blame who can't live with me.

I'm no picnic

Just in case anyone thinks I am throwing all the blame to my husband, I shall list many of my faults.

* I assume that everyone is out to get me, look for hidden meanings in the things people say to me. Basically, I trust nobody.

* I want everything really neat and I kind of freak if things are too messy.

* I have a high energy level and I get disappointed if my partner can't keep up with me.

* I talk a lot.

* I fight mean. I scream and cry and shake and say the most hurtful thing possible.

* I have a memory like none other. If you said something in the past, I remember it and use it against you if I feel I need to.

* I threaten to leave when I feel like I am being abandoned.

* I have trigger words that make me absolutely sure that you are attacking me.

* I have a high need to be free.

THERE IS MORE. I do not think these are my only problems. I just need to be with my kids now.

Updates

1. I quit Jazzercise. After five years of pains in the ass, it finally became enough to quit. My boss (now FORMER boss, kiss my ass R.) STILL hadn't called to tell me classes were cancelled in the mornings, yet almost every student knew about it.

2. I still haven't talked to my "I can see and sense evil entities" voodoo conjecture friend. I don't know if we are even still friends.

3. Every facet of my life is in flux right now. Please forgive me if I am not the perfect friend. I am trying not to talk to you too much about it and to keep my troubles to myself.

4. I think my ovarian cysts may be back.

5. Delaney is doing so very well in "school". She's far more math and science brained than I am, so it's a nice challenge for me.

6. I have been going to poetry open mic night here, and I love it. I feel just at home there, like I may just be a real writer someday.

7. Loving someone doesn't mean you should stay with them. This applies across the curriculum, as it were...

THAT hurt

Have you ever had a friend who you thought loved you unconditionally? You trusted in this person beyond all else? You thought that you and she were tight as can be, that she was one of the people in the world who really "got" you?

And then something happened, and that all shattered?

Yesterday, after one of the hardest mornings I've had in awhile, I had coffee with a friend. I told her what was going on, admitted my faults, asked for support. She gave it to me, and also told me some of the hard stuff that sometimes you don't want to hear.

So far, so good.

But then, she told me something based on "feelings" and "vibes" and she is completely wrong. Don't tell me something about my family and then base it on nothing more than voodoo. Then, when I cried about it-and yes, I cried hard-she called me hysterical and advised me to get some drugs.

I am not hysterical. I was able to stop crying, go home, and truly have a nice day with my children. I am able to compartmentalize that. Yes, I have had terrible mom moments. But not very often, and I apologize for them. Honestly, I have been a more focused mom for the last few weeks, knowing that Gene and I are over. I know my job. And yes, I have been out a lot lately, but I usually wait until the kids are in bed or at least after 8 p.m.

Hysterical people can not function as I do.

A huge kiss my ass to this so-called friend. I don't know if I can forgive this one.

And if you are reading this, it isn't you, because this person has never and probably never will have internet access.

Pain, pain...it is so great in my heart over this.

A good kid day

Just so I can not have my whole blog taken up with negativity, I shall report upon what a great day I'm having with my babies.

Had a nice, relaxed breakfast. No rushing off to go anywhere. Did school, including piano lessons. Went to library for Amnesty Day, where I had a hella big library fine erased. Hell yeah for Amnesty Day! Went to a local shop, bought something nice for someone nice, then picked up a pizza for lunch. Watched cartoons and ate pizza. The kids and I are enjoying each other so much today. I am off now to read the four million books we borrowed!!!

I love being mommy!

More gripe

This jazzerfrickin' shit is just so annoying to me. Frick frack! I have been on the phone to just about every student who is regular. Particularly one friend, who is one of my best friends ever, is too invested in this. I know she loves Jazzercise. I know she doesn't want to lose it. But she is advising me on what to do based on what will work out to keep Jazzercise going and what would work for HER. I have to think about my future here. I love her lots.

She wants me to do demos and spend my own money promoting. She wants me to ask to keep the classes. She even went so far as to advise me to ask one of the other students in our class who we know is wealthy, to finance me to own the classes.

I just don't know if I care enough to spend my time, money (what money!??!!) and energies on all of that.

DOG!!!!!!!!!!

Flaming angry redhead!!!!!!!

So, I get home from blowing off some steam tonight, feeling all relaxed and better. Gene greets me with this: "You better listen to your messages".

Turns out that at class tonight, the one taught by my boss and arch-rival, it was announced that this week is the last week of morning classes. Unbeknownst to me, mind you. Two of my students had called me to say, basically, what the hell?

I called one of them back and she was so upset, and couldn't believe that I hadn't been told. She told me how crappy this instructor is, and believe me, this isn't the first time I'd heard this.

I hate to be cocky, but I am really, really good at this and she will be sorry. I think most of the morning ladies won't transition to evenings, I think they will just leave.

Fine.

I really don't know if I should keep teaching evenings at all, or just go find a real job.

What should I do? I need lots of comments on this one. Please. I am just sick.

Fun quiz!

I am Renen
Take The Egyptian Goddess in all of us test today!
Created with Rum and Monkey's Personality Test Generator.

Tide is high

First off, I want to give a huge shout out to some of my sisters out there who helped me embrace this philosophy. You know who you are.

More and more, I feel a magical mystery connected to my womanhood. When the moon comes around, I feel blessed, fertile, ancient and powerful. I celebrate my connection to all women around the world, through time and space.

I joke that I would want to be a man, but I don't think I would. I like giving birth, giving milk, and hey...I like bleeding.

Weird weird me