In the process of trying to get a job and find my kids some decent kid care, I tried the Montessori school here in town today.
Oh. My.
I was sorely dissappointed. For one thing, the director is an out there Christian. Really out there. I don't believe that belongs in school, and the fact that she said things about her faith several times during the 45 minute visit to the school made me very nervous.
The thing that hit me even harder was the tuition. Are you ready for this?? $275/week. No, I didn't say a month. A WEEK.
Why is it that the best schools can be attended only by the wealthy.
And while I'm bitching about that, this woman could not stop name dropping. She told me at least four times that she had students there whose parents were attorneys, or doctors, or both.
Fuck that. I hate this.
I never planned to go back to work while Grey was so young. My sorta plan was to get my MTL and go back in a couple of years. I never planned for anyone else to be educating my children while they were young. I never planned to divorce the kids' daddy.
I don't even know how to go about getting a good job. I'm at a loss. I really am. My teacher's certificate is lost. I feel like a fuck up about that. Arrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
There are really no rules-only ones we impose on ourselves. We truly are free spirits with free wills. I do believe in the laws of karma. Your works will be visited on you, good or bad, this life or the next.
I think so many people are hung up on THE RULES. Wear this, major in this, go to church here, belong to this club, women do this, men do that, PBS says its a good channel so it must be, our President says there are WMDs, there must be, gays are unnatural, don't wear a belly shirt unless you have abs of steel, moms don't look sexy, don't wear white shoes after Labor Day, girls shouldn't call boys, yada freakin' yada.
None of these rules are based on whether you are harming another person, really. They are about appearances and some wacked out sense of propriety. And a lot of them stifle me.
I look in the mirror expecting to see that youthful, fresh faced girl. Instead, I see a woman who looks tired. I don't like my face, I don't like my body. I have not slept like I should, I am eating junk more, I'm not exercising like I'm used to, and it shows. OH how it shows. Every pound shows up on my short frame. I looked at myself naked in the mirror last night and I was appalled. I want to be beautiful, but my time is over. It sucks. I am more myself inside than I've ever been, but my outside is old, tired, a dissapointment. I can't explain how depressed I feel about that.
Nothing lasts forever. Like seasons, everything fades in and out. Joy can't last too long, or else we'd be tired out from the high living. And we wouldn't appreciate it as much when it did come into our lives. Sorrow can't last long either, else we'd turn hard and sad, unable to carry on. Everything will work out. Action is always better than inaction.
Peace. Breathing is first. I feel my pulse, I know I am alive. Start there.
When the mind is clear, it's usually easier to see what the next course of action should be. And when it is too full, it's so common that nothing seems to be working out the way it should.
This is all so cryptic, but I can't speak freely right now.
Close to home, close to home.
The pendulum has swung. Life is good around here!
I have been recreating my life, doing what I want, asking for what I need. I feel very much in balance. For more self indulgent chat all about me me me, read on.
Hi! Glad to know you're interested in the little things that make me happy. Thanks for reading!
For one, I am finally at peace with not teaching Jazzercise. Good things have come from my not instructing. Probably the best is that I'm in a hip hop class. It's a good workout, a challenge, and good for me to be on the other side of the fence. Also, the other two in the class are SO much fun.
We had our first performance tonight. I hammed it up a little, which I think makes up for the three mistakes I made. :o)
Also, I've been attending a weekly poetry open mic/slam. That has done more for my soul than I can explain.
Today, I attended a three hour writer's workshop. It was thought provoking, inspiring, humbling...but so good. I left feeling like I might just have some talent, having never, ever worked on a poem. I just write them. And they aren't that bad, so...if I actually applied myself, learned some poetry forms, edited now and then, kept going to readings, kept reading poems...I might be good. Actually good. GOD that felt terrific today!
I am working on getting the balance right.
And of course, being with someone who thinks I'm beautiful, talented, kind, and who is compatible with me helps. Matter of fact, I think I need to write about the dire importance of compatibility in relationships.
Nod to Gene...you're a great guy. Not your fault. Either you are or you aren't, and we weren't. No blame here.
Anyway, back to me me me...I am not really enjoying sub. teaching, but there are many jobs that could be worse. The hours are perfect, I will never work a weekend, the pay is okay for now, summers off ('course that means I'm poor this summer, but...I will deal with that when the time comes). I do have someone nice to watch my kids. They seem to be okay with it. I think I will have to send Delaney to school next year, but even THAT doesn't seem like the end of the world.
I am progressing further in my counselling than I ever have. I am getting PAST, not just TO, the nasty stuff. And I'm surviving. The bad stuff is just a look into my past, not some monster under my bed. The best part of all of this is, I AM BEATING THIS MYSELF. No friend, no drug, no husband, no parent is doing it FOR me. Sure, I have people walking beside me. I couldn't do without that. But I am not relying on someone to carry me through this. I am strong enough to carry myself.
While I'm bragging on the good stuff, I am so pleased with how I've taken control of some bad relationship issues. Recall my friend from a few months back? Early September, I believe? She and I have talked, and tomorrow we're meeting. I will tell her firmly yet kindly what I cannot tolerate in a friendship. Then it will be up to her to decide if she can hang with me or not. Simple as that.
GOD I feel good. I feel mentally healthy, right in the midst of the storms.
That's all for now!
I am just flying right now. It's four am and I am wide awake. To talk about it would be to brag, so let me just say that I am feeling absolutely wonderful tonight. I am feeling more myself than I have in a long while.
Life can be good...I appreciate the good stuff...Thank You.
I had words with a woman tonight. And I am still pissed as hell about it!
I barely know this person, but I have met her on a few occasions. One of the occasions was a Democratic rally in which she several times stated her disdain for GWB and co., and her support (obviously) for John Kerry. Just so we have the background facts clear.
So, tonight I saw her at open mic. I went up, made small talk. The bad part of our conversation went like this, as close to word for word as I can recall...
Z: So, how are things for you?
K: Oh, I'm slowly recovering from the election.
Z: Yeah, I know, but we all have to live with it now. It made me feel better to know that several thousand Ohio votes didn't get counted.
K: I know! It's not like he has a mandate...
Z: (interrupting) Yes, he DOES have a mandate. He won by many millions. He HAS a mandate, he's gonna be our President for the next four years, so we all have to accept that.
K: I'm not into it! And how can he claim to have a "mandate" when he didn't have an overwhelming...
Z: (pissy now) He won, he had the most votes.
K: But to say a mandate kind of implies that...
Z: I KNOW what a mandate is, okay?
K: Yes, okay, I'm not meaning to argue semantics. My point was...
Z: It sounds like you are just in denial.
K: (incredulously) I'm in denial...(sarcastic laugh)
Z: Well, move on!
K: (pissy as all hell!) I will when I'm good and ready!
Then I walked away.
GRRRRRRRRRRRR! That pisses me off proper!
And wow, am I tired!!
I went to Arizona to say goodbye to Gram. She was diagnosed with breast cancer earlier this year. The family hasn't known for very long. She chose to keep it to herself. She also chose not to undergo chemotherapy, having watched my grandfather die from cancer and go through the hell that is chemo.
She's dying.
I went there with my sister, expecting to see her all frail and helpless. That is NOT what we saw. She was tired, yes. She was all concave in the chest, yes, having had a masectomy just this summer. But she was her usual cheery self, although much more tired than usual. My sister and I were able to have a proper goodbye.
As I was leaving, teary eyed, I asked Gram if I had been good to her. She told me that I have no regrets. I looked into her soft blue eyes and told her that I love her. I said goodbye.
She's going on somewhere good. I know it.
Thanks to everyone for the support.
God Bless America
But
FUCK YOU, George W. Bush
I am but one of MILLIONS of Americans who
DID NOT VOTE FOR YOU
You will lead us into darkness and danger
Against our wills
You will take our daughters and our sons
To win your Revenge
You will shove your filthy hands into our
Vaginas
Without our permission
You will raze our forests
You will lie and smile
You will go to bed safe and warm
Devoid of Conscience
Your stench will wash easily from your
Wealthy, well-groomed hands
You have it made
The God I believe in won't punish you
No
You will do that to yourself
With each life you disregard
With each person you disenfranchise
With each plea you ignore
With each truth you deny
With each sweetness you sully
You dig your own grave
You will reap your consequences sooner or later
I don't know if you will burn in Hell
I doubt it
But in my deepest Soul
I do know that the
Evils you embrace
Will be atoned for
I believe that Divine Justice
Shall serve sentence after sentence until
The lessons are learned
This is the only truth
My heart can handle today
I told the kids today about Bush's win over John Kerry.
Delaney said "How can anything be so out of line?" and then said "Do we have to take our signs down from our yard and make new ones?" I asked her what the new ones would say, and she replied "Oh no! This can't BE!"
Greyson said "NO! I don't wike George Bush! I want to stay at John Kerry house. I will tell him "Dere a monter under my bed! Oh no! It George Bush head on a monter!!"
I looooove my kids.
Make no mistake where you are. The waiting is over. This is it. Don't be a fool anymore. You're going no further.
VOTE!
Vote your conscience. Don't vote on what your Daddy says is right. Don't listen to your preacher. Think. Do you trust a man who leads us blindly into war, telling us that 9/11 is because of Iraquis, and later tells us that 9/11 is because of Bin Laden, who he will get dead or alive? I heard that Bin Laden is still alive, by the way, and we ain't got 'im. It's not that I even blame HalliBushCo for not finding the WMD and getting Bin Laden, it's the attitude. The "we are the big boys, we know best, screw our allies" attitude. It'st the dirty deals. It's the arrogance of being better than, above the law, exempt.
VOTE!
Vote for freedom. Real freedom. The freedom to choose for yourself what to do with your body, your love life, your military service or not, your religious rights.
Vote for integrity, vote for strength over stubbornness, vote for tolerance and acceptance, vote for balance.
VOTE FOR KERRY!