I can NOT believe she's eight!! Amazing! She is amazing. Wish my angel a happy, happy day.
I wish I had the gift of words. I told someone something today that I have been all upset about for months, and I totally TOTALLY didn't say it right. Should have written it.
Maybe I'll blog it later.
I hate it when people have to talk about how politically correct and crunchy they are.
I hate it when these same people, who are supposedly trying to make the world a lovelier place, make it really crappy for some of us.
I hate it when so-called feminists diss other women.
I hate it when faux 'liberals' disenfranchise the very poor souls they feign to help.
I know some people just like this.
There's this one person I know. I've seen her a handful of times in the last month. She pretends to be very cordial, but she asks these digging questions. She's asked me every time she's seen me what my son is doing for preschool in the coming year. (Which is part of the problem in itself. I mean, why ask me four times? Weren't you listening the last time I answered you? Or are you just pretending to make chit chat with me? If it's the former, pay some attention. If it's the latter, please don't bother!) Every time, she manages to go on and on about the expensive private preschool that her child attends. I'm all about that school-truly, I am glad that you're happy with it. But I am not going to put my son there for two reasons. One, I am uncomfortable with the amount of religion in the curriculum, and two, I can't afford it.
This is the core issue. Some folks can't afford to send their kids to schools like that, can't afford to throw down $300 for a pool membership, can't afford to shop at Wild Oats for all organic produce. Guess what? We're good moms, too. I use the library, I go to nature parks with my kids. Guess what? We've been reading good literature every single night of the summer. Guess what else? My child recently caught a bad case of the "I want it's". We're signing up to work at the shelters over on the West side of town. Not just at Christmas and Thanksgiving. We're going to work there.
People with money do not have the monopoly on wonderfulness.
And while I'm at it, I'm sick of the exclusion of single moms, moms who dress less than stylishly (Guess what else? Some people actually like running around in tees, dewrags and sweat shorts. It's hot out! Get a grip!), fat mamas, and just about anybody that you don't think fits into your bracket.
And its' not that I want to be a member of your little "club". I just would like you to stop patting yourself on the back in front of the rest of us. It doesn't bother me to be excluded, but it bothers some of my best friends. And it just makes you look really bad for trying to be holier than thou.
I can't believe that Sarah and co. are gone. I met Jay at their house today, to drop off Mackenzie because we were both in town.
The other day, cleaning the house with Diana and Katye, we all noticed that their smell still lingered in the house, the pantry, the closets. How long until the smell dissipates?
How long until I can drive by the Nelson/Columbus split and not have tears sting my eyes and nose?
How long until Greyson forgets all the games he and Will had going? They could start a game, and pick it up a week later. Greyson has plenty of wonderful, sweet boy friends. Matty and Adam are soooo adorable and play very well with him. But Greyson and Will had something else, something I can't describe to you. {I'm not saying Will was my favorite-he and Grey were just bestests.}
How long until Sarah and I don't talk every day? Every week?
How long until my heart isn't breaking? How long will I miss them this fiercely? And while the intensity of the missing hurts, I don't want to lose it. I'm afraid that if I heal, it will toughen our bond as a scar toughens skin.
More if you want more.
Also, I didn't get that job.
I had decided that I wouldn't even pursue teaching this year. That decision was made in one very dramatic day, but it felt really right to me. Then, suddenly, an easy opportunity came my way. Brake! Time to change mindset! {Always throws me for a loop!} I tried earnestly to obtain that job. I began to believe in myself as an educator again. I began to imagine myself with the position, thinking of what kinds of centers I'd have in my room, what kinds of books I'd teach first. I started dreaming of having glasses and contacts that were my prescription. Of maybe finding a new car-I've been drivng mine for thirteen years and she has no air conditioning. Of maybe getting some sheets and underwear that don't have blood stains. Of being able to order pizza without feeling loads of guilt.
Well, that was all dashed, and not only did I have to re-think my mindset again, I also feel rather silly and foolish.
I feel like the lowest common denomiator amongst my friends. Any of them have specialized qualifications, making it a breeze for them to walk into any job.
I feel like I've somehow let my kids and my boyfriend and my community down by not being more employable.
I know I can sub or do childcare or work at a restaurant. And I will get over this. Right now, I'm feeling damn sorry for myself, and embarrassed as well.
That's all for tonight. Tomorrow's another (long) day.
Love to all!