Once again, when I don't have sufficient words, I turn to Dar....
"Sometimes I see myself fine, sometimes I need a witness.
And I like the whole truth,
But there are nights I only need forgiveness.
Sometimes they say, "I don't know who you are,
but let me walk with you some."
And I say "I am alone, that's all,
you can't save me from all the wrong I've done,"
But they're waiting just the same
With their flashlights and their semaphores,
And I'll act like I have faith and that faith never ends,
But I really just have friends." *
Thanks womyn. You know who you are.
* From "My Friends," by Dar Williams, End of the Summer, 1997
Go buy the album, it's amazing!
Mara is going to be really mad at me when she wakes up.
Matty gets cranky when it's his nap time and she's not in the room. So we've been doing this thing (I was calling it a trick, but that sounded mean so now it's just a thing) where Mara comes in, lies down in her bed and closes her eyes -- but doesn't have to go to sleep -- while I rock Matty until he does sleep. It's all much easier. He doesn't yib about naptime, she gets at least a little bit of quiet time and then we go downstairs and 'work' on our computers together while he naps.
But sometimes, like today, she's more tired than he is, and falls asleep first. And then I have a dilemma. Because I'm supposed to wake her up so she can "do something Matthew doesn't know about because he's sleeping" -- namely computers or playdough or other stuff that Matty isn't quite ready for. But I am so sick of her whining today that I am NOT waking her up. She's been hanging on me endlessly since 7:30 and I am just about OVER it for today. It would be one thing if she really needed me, or if she would hang and be a helper like she used to. But now it's "I hate cleaning up!" or "that's not fun!" and whine whine whine all day LONG until I am ready to lock myself in the basement so I don't just scream and scream.
So she's sleeping and I am having quiet time -- absolutely silent time (and since I'm on-line, not even the phone is ringing, which is one distinct advantage of dial-up) and I'm not giving it up for ANYBODY!
However, when Tim gets home, I think I'll see if Mara and I can catch an hour of big kid and mommy time alone. I dunno what we'll do -- she'll probably want a milkshake -- but I owe her that much at least.
I am ready for four to settle down a little. This drama trauma is ridiculous! You know, incidentally, why they call it the terrible twos? It's so you think that's the worst it can get. And then they're almost three and you think, "whew, it's almost over, and I coped pretty well. A'right!" but then your kid is three and four and you realize that nobody tells you about three and four because the human race would just die out once everybody caught on. Four is sassy and sad and hurt feelings and defiance and hysteria and even the amazing stuff four year olds can do and their enormous empathy and imaginations does not make up for it today. Sorry to let the reality out, but there it is.
All you lurkers, who keep calling me up or emailing me and saying how cool my blog is -- it's time to pony up with the comments!
If you're gonna read it, drop a line and say Hi. Give me YOUR input slackers! And really don't be calling me up and saying "well I was gonna read the whole thing and then make referenced comments with footnotes and shit..." Just do it.
No, this is not a Nike commercial, but day-umm ya'll -- I got no clue you're reading if you don't give me some props occasionally. So get on the comment bus and I might even be inspired to write something worth reading this week!
That is all.
Very sincerely yours, The Author
Sorry if you have been waiting to hear about my subbing experience. I'll get there eventually. But I don't much feel like writing about that, so you're getting something else instead. This has been a really strange weekend. And I guess that's what I'm blogging about. (I find it really weird that I often don't know what I'm writing until I'm actually sitting here)
Tim had a half-day because of conferences. (He had one parent show up, but at least he got some grading done...) So we had lunch out with Tim's mom, which Mara loved, even though we "made" her "choose" spaghetti instead of macaroni & cheese. Then came home and got Matthew down for a nap and I decided to take a nap too. At 6 p.m., when Tim woke me up, it was pitch black outside and I was incredibly confused. I'd been sleeping for FOUR HOURS!!!
Now, don't get me wrong. I am delighted to have had a chance to nap. I'll take almost any chance to nap that's thrown my way (note to Kym: I did say almost any chance). But I had only planned to sleep for an hour or so, and waking up in what looked and felt like the middle of the night was really strange and disorienting.
We went to hang out with friends, which was fun, but I was still feeling strangely out of time -- just not sure "when" it was --- and that feeling continued through the next two days. Saturday I can barely remember -- oh yeah, we went out for lunch, which was Mara's idea and very sweet because she wanted to invite her friends. She wanted to invite ALL of them, but that seemed highly impractical. Matthew slept through most of lunch and then ate, still sitting in the sling. Then he went back to sleep while I went to the library. I think Tim was grading while I was gone. Not entirely sure about that.
Now it's Sunday night and I am still a little out of it. Tim let me sleep late this morning -- Hooray! Thanks honey! -- and that was terrific. Then he sent me out for lunch by myself. Which was also great. But these early darkening hours are just starting to drive me crazy. I can't keep track of when I am and that's been awfully confusing.
But I got a lot done today. Here's a list:
1. Had fabulous lunch by myself, reading a good book
2. Went to Lowes for wood screws and wood glue.
3. Mounted the security gate at the top of the stairs.
4. Cleaned up -- not out, just up -- and rearranged bathroom cupboards
5. Took off cupboard doors in preparation for painting
6. Fed kids dinner -- bananas, yogurt, fried eggs, grapes
7. Went to Meijer to buy gate for study door
8. Put "wallet" shelf back up in study, also installed hanging rack for diaper bag
9. Installed gate on study door
10. Put kids to bed
11. Installed swinging arm type lamp in study -- much brighter in here now!
12. Put some tools away -- still need to put away others
13. Took 2 loads of stuff to basement
14. Emailed list of books to mom for fund-raising xmas presents, etc.
15. Started blogging.
Not bad really. Now I am tired but I need to finish cleaning up the study so I don't waste my co-op time doing it tomorrow. Or I will go to bed. We'll see.
No one is going to be surprised by this. I always stay up too late. But here's the kicker. Tonight I actually know it. Ugh.
I was putting Matthew to bed tonight and Mara wanted to play her Lilly game, so we let her stay up later and have time with Daddy. Which was fine, except Matthew really wanted to know where she was -- I love that they are going to bed at the same time now and he checks to be sure she's there! And then when it was time for Mara to go to bed, Tim put her in our bed, to avoid disturbing me and the not-quite-asleep-but-very-very tired Matty Lou.
Which is fine, except that he fell asleep when (or possibly before) she did, and now they're both up there in my bed and I've got nowhere to sleep. I can go move her, and I will, but I had really planned to go to bed early and once again I haven't. Ugh.
Well I'm off now. All the stuff I want to blog about is stuff I really shouldn't blog about, so the next entry is all about my adventures as a substitute teacher at Harpeth Hall Academy (where Reese Witherspoon went, though she graduated the year before I got there...) Stay tuned!
Took the kids to the movies yesterday. We went with a crowd of friends -- four of us moms and six kids and we were the only ones in the theater (a providential occurance as it turns out). It was terrific and I already want to see it again!
The kids had varying reactions. Mara (4), who had really resisted seeing a movie at all, sat in rapt attention, just amazed. Adam (3) just wanted to get closer and closer to the screen -- "Look mama, BEARS!!!" he kept whispering and then he'd wander up the aisle, staring at the film the whole time. Sam (2)wanted to sit with Emma (4), who wanted to sit ALONE and also wanted Mara to share her soda. Isabella (9 months) was cranky off and on, and wanted to be walked in the aisle, maybe because Adam is a fascinating creature to her just now... Matthew (18 months) loved the movie until he started to feel sleepy and then to fight it he decided he needed to sit in a seat by himself (luckily he's heavy enough to hold the seat down if he sits still), or kick his mommy with his new big heavy shoes, or jump up and down on her lap while hanging on to (and chewing) the seat in front of him.
We moms were divided in our responses. Mel thought it was too philosophical -- that the advertising for the movie had suggested a funny film, but, in her opinion the whole first half was way too serious and overly moralistic. Andrea liked it, I think. Katherine liked it but also thought it was very sad. And me, I loved it.
I lured Mara in with a promise that it would be like Piglet's Big Movie, which I hated. The animation was bad. The story line was cobbled together from other piglet stories we have already seen. Even the voices were far from up to scratch. The one redeeming factor about that whole experience was the Carly Simon song, when Mara leaned over and said, with so much love, "Mom, it's OUR song!" and we sang along together. That was maybe worth it all. But only maybe. Otherwise it just bit. And hard. On the other hand, Matty slept through the whole thing and thus my bruises that time were only aesthetic.
Brother Bear was a real delight. The scenery -- oh glory the scenery! It's worth it just for that. But the moose bits and the parts with the mountain goats were awfully funny and the little bear wasn't kitschy and obnoxious as he really could have been. The voices were terrific, the animation was superb and have I mentioned the scenery? Wow.
Okay, it was a bit on the serious side. Two characters die, though not exactly graphically, which might be difficult for some kids. But the way the movie handles the spirituality of death was amazing. I worried, going in, that the native american characters would be hokey and weird, but it was done with such respect for culture and spirituality and I came away feeling reassured about the world in general. And when's the last time a movie did all that?
By the way, the scenery is spectacular. Just in case you were wondering.
It's supposed to be November but here in Ah-hi-ya it was 82 degrees today! Now don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining exactly. I just worry, when I'm out in shorts here in late fall, whether I'm gonna be wearing a parka in June...
The leaves in our backyard were calling me today, but then so were the piled up dishes, the needing-to-be-vacuumed carpet and the very sticky kitchen floor. And since cookbook committee is meeting here tomorrow, the inside stuff won and the leaves stayed put.
The leaves are still there...well, unless some phantom leaf-blower snuck up and vanished them while I was typing all night... and it will probably rain tomorrow and make them a damp disgusting mess. But for now they are rustling and crisp, smelling faintly like tea as they crunch under foot. I wondered earlier tonight if you can drink maple leaf tea... has anyone ever tried? Would it kill me? I think I'll read up a little first but it just smelled so good as I crushed them walking to the car and I wanted to hang on just a little longer, the way you do with a cup of tea steaming between your palms... It just shouldn't smell this good in early November! My senses are becoming confused.
But the floor is clean. The carpet is vacuumed. The dishes are washed -- okay, there are some lunch things in there but cut me some slack, I'm doing the best I can! (Trust me when I tell you, the floor was really really dirty!)
I'm hoping, just a little, that the weather holds until I can get Mara's orange and rainbow reversable coat made. If I let her wear Delaney's old coat even once, I'll never get her OUT of it and while it's a great coat, it's a Delaney coat and I really wanted her to have her own kind of Mari coat...
So keep your fingers crossed. And enjoy the weather, wherever you are!