Love & a Steady Hand

The Parenting Books Entry Again

I decided to just add the Parenting Books entry again so everybody doesn't have to go looking for it. Here it is again. Partly because I just like it, and partly because I am going to see/hear Christine Lavin in concert tonight and don't have time or the energy to even a fresh idea for an original entry.

Enjoy!

Parenting Books
One of these days I am going to write my own parenting book. "All well and good," you are probably thinking, "but what will it say?" And to some extent, I agree with you. What, indeed, has not already been said by Spock, Leach, Brazelton, Sears, the What to Expect gang and everybody else out there who claims expert knowledge in this complicated field?

Here's the difference, and the single detail that will make mine the best parenting book (and also the worst seller) of all time...

My book is going to start out with the audacious suggestion that since I don't actually know your kid, I may not have the only ideas for solving your problems. And I'm gonna follow that up with another scandalous idea: you can pick and choose amongst the ideas I have to offer. You don't have to buy my book and sign on for a package tour. And thirdly, and this one is the kicker, I'm gonna tell you (or any reader fool enough to check out the book), that even if you follow my plan, your kid may still not turn out the way you want her to. Indeed, I am going to be so heretical as to suggest -- no, I think I'll assert -- that no one parenting approach can promise perfection.

Because I am really tired of the idea that if you follow your chosen guru's advice, you can achieve some kind of parenting nirvana. I am tired of the package tour approach -- you can't get off and visit Italy with this guide, because that's not Switzerland, and we are parenting the Swiss way because Dr. Erlacht said if we did, we would be doing the best for our children and ourselves. (I made that name up, do not go Google it!) The trouble is, some kids are Swiss-made (like little watches) and some kids are just screaming out to be Italian or French or German or whatever, and using just the Swiss method can lead to broken springs and really twisted cogs. Whereas, if you just added a little pasta on the side, everything would have been copasetic from the start.

But Dr. Erlacht doesn't want you to leave Switzerland. He believes, really, that the Swiss way is the only way, and somehow he almost makes us believe it too. And that makes me really mad. Because where is he, in the middle of the night, when his patented, supposedly fool-proof (but only if you're not as big a fool as me) child and family centered approach is breaking down and we're up all night and the Italian kid is thumping on the French kid and the Swiss kid, who was asleep (because the method works really well for him, but only him) has just woken up and started WWII all over again... and wasn't Switzerland supposed to be all neutral in the first place? Then the good doctor refers you to his special book on "Sleeping Swiss" and the companion, "Swiss Success" which continues the program for older kids... He wants you to keep reading (or at least keep buying) the whole Swiss set, but he's not showing up at 3 a.m. to explain how exactly to make this thing work for real.

And it's not just any one of them -- they all have a vested interest in making us believe their way is best. So they coerce us, through guilt or earthiness or intellectualism or psychology, with the notion that their way is the most loving, most responsible, most child-centered (or if you're swinging the other way, most parent-supportive) parenting approach around. And if you stray from the path, you are a traitor and you're not doing it right and your kids are going to go straight to hell in a handbasket and it's your fault. It's all your fault!

Well blah. That's my final word. Blah. I am not buying it and I'm now on a campaign to help everyone else stop buying too. Take what you need, take what suits your kids and your family and leave the rest behind. Just leave it. Park it where you can come back and re-visit if you need to, but damn, stop dragging that heavy shit along because you think you're supposed to. Enjoy the tour, get out and hitch-hike if you want, rent a car and drive on the wrong side of the road, climb a few mountains, cross some borders, sample some new flavors and routines... because who knows when you'll get to Europe again. Seems a shame to waste all your time and resources on just one country after all.

A post for Dianella

My sister Amy has a friend in her lab who is expecting. She (Amy) sent me an email asking me to share some ideas with Dianella about baby shower stuff and what you really need if you're having a baby and I was writing the email and it was getting really long and I couldn't format the way I wanted so I thought, what the hell, I'll just blog it instead.

So if you're interested, read on. Otherwise, tune in another day. Also, I hope the SuperMamas will add comments and agree with me or dispute my ideas and share their own. Dianella, it'll be up to you to sort THAT mess out and decide whos advice feels right for you.

The baby shower questions are the easiest, so I'll go there first:

1. The first and most critical thing new mamas need is a sling.

Do NOT under any circumstances get one of those idiotic "Snuggli" front carrier things (the kind that looks like you're wearing a backpack on your front with holes cut out for your kid's legs to dangle through). And here's why: they're not great for very small babies because the kiddo can slip out the holes (which don't adjust). They can be hard to get baby in and out of by yourself. They're hard on your back. You have to do endless adjusting from parent to parent if you're switching back and forth. They just aren't useful for very long, and lastly they're usually too bulky to carry with you for spur of the moment carrier needs.

A sling, on the other hand, is useful from birth up through toddler age -- you just change the way you put baby in depending on age and weight. They're easy to take with you everywhere because you can cram it in the diaper bag. Once you get the hang of it, getting baby in and out is a breeze and the adjustments are fairly minor when mom and dad switch off on who will be doing the carrying. If you're nursing you can also have baby latched on and nobody will ever know (unless your kid slurps like mine did...) A good website for checking out slings is Mayawrap. If you want to see what slings look like with babies in them, Babywearing has some awesome pictures of people with babes of different ages in slings, not much info, but great pictures for moral support. Also my friend Jodi makes them for a pretty reasonable amount, and in beautiful fabrics. I can hook you up if you like.

2. Bottles and pumps and those kinds of things

Even if you're planning to breastfeed, it's good to have some bottles on hand for times when breast and baby aren't together (and you'll need some of those times!). I really love Avent Bottles. Their bottles and nipples are specially designed to help babies transition back and forth between breast and bottle, to avoid nipple confusion. They're also really short and have wide mouths, which makes washing easier if you don't have a dishwasher. Avent now has a whole line of products (pacifiers, sippy cups, nipples with differing amounts of suction needed, and a great sterilizer -- though a sterilizer is far from necessary, it's sometimes useful).

But the best thing about Avent is their Isis Breast Pump. I loved the Avent Pump -- it's super quiet (you can pump in a public bathroom and the person in the next stall over won't know you're doing it), very efficient and worked better for me than the hospital grade pump we rented after Mara was born. Even if you plan to stay home, a pump is a good thing to have for when baby wants to sleep instead of eat and you start feeling full and uncomfortable. You can freeze millk (Avent makes special freezer keeper thingies too) and use it later, which is handy for escaping for a break or for if you get sick and need meds that are not great for nursing moms. Giving a bottle of breastmilk also lets Daddy and Grammies get close to babies, so everybody wins. During our first long trip in the car, Mara got hungry but we didn't want to stop and I couldn't get positioned right to nurse her in the carseat, so instead I whipped out the pump, filled up the bottle and fed her in the car with no worries.

If you're going right back to work, you may want to explore a bigger electric pump, but look into renting one before you buy. Medela is a good one (I've heard) but you can also rent them for fairly cheap and your insurance may cover it... The good electric pumps are about $200 and that's nuts. The Isis hand pump is I think about $40 and I thought worked just as well if not better than the big electric sucker (which can be kinda noisy).

3. A bouncy seat or small portable swing

You want something with a little motor that will vibrate and keep baby happy when you really just need to have the kid OFF your body for a little while, so a bouncy seat can come in handy. And it helps to be able to transport it when you go visiting, so something small-ish that you can throw in the car without disassembling it much might be best.

The one drawback about bouncy seats is that they are not useful for very long. So this might be a good thing to look for second hand if you are running out of resources or don't get one from your shower list.

4. A Boppy pillow or other similar nursing pillow

A Boppy, for the uninitiated, is a firm curvy pillow, shaped like a C that you can put in your lap for nursing and rocking. I had to have two c-sections, so not having the baby right on my incision was critical. Also, my rocking chair had really low arms, so having the boppy to bring the baby up to the breast helped immensely with nursing and rocking to sleep.

If you're having a hospital birth, and if you can take it with, bring the boppy to the hospital, it's handy to have right from the beginning -- a fact we discovered with baby #2, though I had to fight with the nurses to "get" to use it.

5. You want to choose your diaper bag very carefully.

What you're trying to avoid is two things: first, you really don't need a bag the size of a small suitcase. In my experience, you will inevitably find a way to fill up every inch of space you've got in the bag, regardless of the size of the bag. So a big bag is just going to be heavy and cluttered and annoying.

Secondly, you don't want to get a bag that is so imbecilically babyish that you feel like a moron carrying it after your kid is older than a newborn. Those incredibly cute ones also get dirty really really quickly and after not too long you start feeling like a moron for carrying a grimy "Classic Pooh" bag around with you everywhere when you used to be an adult who carried cool satchels or briefcases instead.

I'm also not a big fan of backpacks for diaperbags, though I have friends who will disagree heartily. I've just never had much success keeping a backpack on my back without using both straps and that's too much work for me. With a backpack I was always having to haul it back up onto my shoulder and that drove me nuts. But that part (like all of parenting) is highly personal!

So here's what you DO want to look for in a diaper bag (or a bag that you like and decide to USE as a diaper bag): First, you want something washable -- or at least that will hide dirt on the outside and can be wiped off on the inside. For reasons I still don't understand fully, when I think back on my kids' little baby days, the first adjective that comes to mind is "sticky," so wipe-ability is critical.

Then you want a bag with a very separate (and quickly reachable) pocket or area for your stuff like your wallet, keys, lip balm, sunglasses and that kind of thing. Once you're weighted down with baby and bag and all the other crap you have to carry for babies, the first thing that goes (after your ability to remember your name and address) is your own purse or bag. Everything has to go in the diaper bag together, but it sucks to lose your keys and have to hold baby on one hip while you dig around looking for them, inevitably spilling all the other stuff out onto the floor because you can drop it but you can't drop the baby... (Can you tell this scenario is all too familiar for me?). So having a separate, dedicated pocket for your stuff is just helpful for preserving Mommy sanity. It also helps to keep your stuff from gettting slimy or scratched or eaten or whatever.

You also want (if it can be managed) a compartment (or two) for bottles/sippy cups so they stay upright and are very easily accessible. The whole game is about being ready and anticipating every moment of baby distress to better minimize your own stress, so being able to get at the bottle or snack or toy or whatever immediately is important.

It's also useful, but not necessary, to have a couple of interior sections that you can designate for toys, snacks, clean/dry stuff, wet/icky stuff. But you can also just make a habit of carrying a couple of plastic bags (grocery bags or gallon sized ziplocks) to put dirty, sticky, gross-smelling, etc. stuff in so it doesn't contaminate the whole bag. Plastic is about to become your best friend and your worst enemy...

6. A word about diapers

My cloth diapering mamafriends will, I'm sure, be happy to give you more info on that issue. I was not so brave as to go there, but I can find you very competent resources who have great ideas on this eco-friendly approach. So let me know if that's an area of interest.

At the same time, if you are going with disposables, you want to have a couple of packs of newborn size diapers on your registry, but be sure to also register for size 1 and size 2, because most babies get past the Newborn size very quickly. Over register for diapers -- you'll need way more than you realize.

7. Baby clothes

Newborn clothes are very very cute. But like the newborn size of diapers, unless you have a preemie, those things aren't going to fit for long. So you really only need a couple of things in teensy sizes.

Instead you want to encourage size 3-6 months and larger. Too big (at least a little too big) is less of a problem than too little.

And, what no one will tell you is that you need a few tiny undershirts that are NOT onesies (i.e., not the little jumpsuit-y kind with crotch snaps) for until the umbilical stump falls off. You need to not put too much pressure on the stump and a few actual undershirts are helpful.

Also, anything that snaps down the back is a nightmare for parents of newborns. It's just a whole lot easier to deal with things that snap or button or velcro down the front instead. Little babies have adorable noodle arms that don't bend the right way and with button up the back stuff you have to put them on their faces or find someway to hold them while you get it all organized -- nightmare! With a button up the front thingy, you just lay the little suit down (unbuttoned and spread out), then lay the little nakey cutie pie down, put the arms and legs in the right place and button up. Voila, no juggling required.

And you want to have washed the majority (or at least a good selection) of your baby's clothes with Dreft or some other baby safe soap before the baby arrives. You won't have time to do it later and baby will go through clothes way faster than seems humanly possible!

Also, invest in some stain remover now. Babies are messy and newborn babies have VERY strangely colored poop that stains EVERYTHING. Be prepared check everything before you wash it, just in case stain remover is necessary.

8. A Pack-N-Play

Which is basically a playpen that can double as a bassinet or crib or even a changing table if you need one. The pack-n-play is one of those things that can be either very useful or not at all worth the money.

If you have a multi-level house, it can be useful as a place for baby to sleep/play on the non-bedroom level so you can stay close. Also, if you plan to do much travelling while baby is little, it helps to have a safe, familiar spot for baby to sleep and play in a strange place. You never know if you'll have a crib or a bed big enough to co-sleep or someplace for baby to nap while you visit.

Another advantage of having a pack-n-play would be if you are able to take baby to work: you can set up the pack-n-play and baby can be there with you in a safe space and you can get your typing or labwork or whatever done.

But, if you are in a single-level dwelling or small apartment, aren't planning to head to grandma's house for long visits involving overnights, and baby isn't going to work or anyplace else with you for long periods when you can't sling or hold her/him, you probably don't need a Pack-n-Play.

9. Odds and ends it's nice to have

a few receiving blankets (the square waffleweave kind are nice and they wash easily) for putting down on the floor to catch spitup when you're visiting or for wrapping up a colicky baby in a swaddling position. A few of these are good to have just cause they get dirty quickly...

a few cloth diapers to use as burp cloths, or you could register for actual burp cloths...

a few changing pads -- they come in small and larger sizes but they're handy to have for changing baby on the bed or on the floor, at home or away. You will be amazed at how quickly newborn baby poop migrates from the bottom of the baby and the diaper to every other surface around. Better to cover them up than have to clean them. Babies are also notorious for sticking their feet in the poop, so learn to take the socks off before the diaper change begins... Also, girls can squirt you with pee same as boys, just so you know...

I'm fond of hooded towels, but that's just me. I'm not sure they're necessary but I love them. And some bitty washcloths you reserve just for the baby...

a food mill or baby food grinder is a good thing to put on the list for later. You won't need it at first, but by the time you do need it, you won't have any money left to buy it...

likewise little rubbercoated spoons and bowls and feeding stuff...

if you have a dishwasher, it's useful to have one of those little cage thingies to wash the nipples and rings in...

a good camera (or hundreds of little disposable ones), because this part of your life is amazing and incredible and that baby is going to change EVERY SINGLE DAY and you don't want to miss any of it. I know I've sounded grim and warning-ish, but being a parent is the absolute best thing I've ever done. Some of it is really messy and stinky and boring and tiring, but babies are sunshine, whether it's your own baby or your niece or nephew or best friend's kids -- it's too awesome to miss a single moment. So be ready to enjoy and marvel at the sheer blessing of it all! It's worth every inconvenience, I promise!

There is surely something else, but I can't think of it just now.

As for the question of where the baby sleeps... the crib thing is complicated.

There are folks (and some of them are pals of mine who will hopefully read this and have comments) who look on cribs as big useless laundry baskets that they regret buying. These are the really hard core co-sleepers,and they usually have king-sized beds on the floor to make the whole thing easier.

I'm more of a middle of the road mama. I adored co-sleeping at the beginning, especially with Matthew, and I still do end up sleeping in their bed with the kids fairly often now. (It's amazing how those little snores and sighs can cure insomnia!) But it was also important (to us) to have the crib available as an alternative.

Co-sleeping is a very personal choice, and it's one that is complicated on a number of levels -- not least because it IS so personal.

(It's really good that I'm writing this on the blog instead of just an email, because I find myself being more objective knowing that more than just Amy and Dianella are gonna be reading it, and that feels important for this topic especially)

You need a few important things to make co-sleeping work.

First you and whoever else is sleeping in the bed need to really want to do it. Because co-sleeping is an amazing joy, but it also requires some committment. You can't get drunk or stoned and co-sleep -- it's too dangerous for the baby. Likewise, the use of sleeping pills or anything that's going to reduce your awareness of what's happening in the bed can also be problematic. So those are committments you have to make for it to work.

Secondly, you need to have room in the bed. We have a queen-sized bed and there were times when it was too small for all three of us to be comfortable. It helped, with Matthew, that I was able to borrow a co-sleeper bed that was connected to our bed, so he was right there with us but not always actually IN the bed. If you're not all comfortable, nobody is going to sleep well and it just won't be a good experience.

Thirdly, you and your partner have to decide how you feel about it and how long you want to continue and all those things. It's good to talk about it before you start, because if one or the other of you doesn't really want to do it, that's a potential problem. Sleep is one of those areas where we all have assumptions about independence and privacy and it's important to be really up front with each other about where your comfort level is with the whole thing. You can do both -- co-sleep for a while and then transition to the crib -- it all depends on what makes you happy and what helps your new family work together.

For us it became difficult to get a good night's sleep when Matthew became a roller and a kicker -- at about 9 months or so. He was just too restless a sleeper for the grown-ups to be able to relax (also he kicked hard, still does). So the crib became the night time sleeping place and he and I still co-slept (and co-sleep even these days) sometimes for naps... That was just the thing that worked out best for us.

Every family has to find their own way to make it work, and what I did, or what anybody else did, is not necessarily going to work for you. But, I can get you plenty of resources of very successful and happy co-sleepers who either never bought a crib or who got rid of it quickly (or who are still using it to store clean laundry).

I hope this is helpful. I'll be happy to talk (or blog) more about all this stuff any time! I really do love being a parent and while I know I sound very fatalistic about some stuff, I guess I just feel like going into it with open eyes and a sense of preparedness is better than thinking it's all a cakewalk and then realizing there is a terrible smell coming from your precious new one and you're the person who has to take care of the biohazard before all your furniture gets wrecked. So much of parenting is about being flexible and coping from minute to minute as you learn to find happiness is both big and little moments of your day. Now I'm just babbling... sorry!

Now bring on the comments my SuperMamas! I wanna know what the community thinks on these thoughts...

Not much to say today

Think Globally, Run Locally?

To learn more about my campaign for Lancaster City Council President, please see my campaign website: Togetherforchange.com.

You might also see my opponent's site, just for the sake of comparison.

Not making a big deal

out of this or anything, but my son went on the potty five times today and for three of them he actually told me himself he wanted to go!

I would say "Woo-hoo!!!" but that would just jinx it and I don't want to screw it up this time too.

The potty learning process was an absolute NIGHTMARE with Mara. She was doing really well at about 2 and a quarter (y'know, just a little younger than where Matty is now...) and was interested in the potty and willing to try and all that stuff. And I was excited because Matthew was on the way and I wanted her to be potty proficient by the time the baby came, so I was, let's call it 'overly enthusiastic' about her successes.

And it was all going very well until I read somewhere that you are supposed to wake kids up when they are learning to potty so they can go in the middle of the night. So I woke her up to take her to the potty one night and it was cold and she was still half asleep and she freaked out and refused to go anywhere near the potty after that and didn't end up in big girl underpants until she was almost four. Sigh. I really meant to be doing the right thing...

Having learned that lesson the hard way, I am trying to be low-key about it this time around. And so far so good. Just keep your fingers crossed for continued low-stress from his mama, because Math is doing terrific so far and still having fun with his fancy potty seat "ona great big potty!"

Yikes. Sometimes parenting is just almost too much for me!

I Frogged It

(For non-knitters, that means I unravelled it to start over).

And by it, I mean the sock. And the mate to it that I had started. Too many ladders, too many messed up stitches, too much not exactly right.

Which brings me to the question, is the Celexa actually making me MORE obsessive compulsive than I was before?

Or is it just making me more AWARE of the obsessions that I was unable to see before, and thus enabling me to choose whether I want to fight the obsession or just cave in to it.

Because as I see it, there are two things about being obsessive: on the one hand, obsessions left unchecked are likely to make life difficult to live, while at the same time, a little obsession is probably healthy. I will explain further:

Example#1: if you can't go into Target unless you've parked in the same space you always park in (or on the same side of the store or whatever), that's a problem. But, if parking on the same side every time helps you not have to think too much about where you left the car, that's probably good.

Example #2: if you can't get on with your day unless your dishes are done and your bed is made (because you'll freak all day about those thing not being done yet or properly or whatever), that's a problem. But, having the dishes done and the bed made before the rest of the day gets started is also probably a good practice to have, since it means your bed is made and your dishes are done and you don't have to bother with them later, so having that habit is probably good.

Example #3: It's good to lock the door every time you leave the house, but not great to have to come back and check the door three times to make sure... And also it's good to wash your hands, but not great to have to wash them every thirty minutes or so...

So, I guess I am wondering, if I'm knitting them for myself and not on a deadline for someone else, and if I'm the one who has to look at the socks (and wear or not wear them based on my liking for them), what's the harm in wanting them to be a little more perfect than they are right now? I dunno. I mean I frogged the beginning of Daddy's scarf like six or eight times, but when I had the effect I wanted, it was really awesome, so was it worth it? I say probably it was. Was it dangerously obsessive? That I don't know about.

I guess it's fundamentally a question of balance. I didn't take the meds until recently because I was functioning. Then I wasn't functioning. Now I am functioning, but newly full of self-analysis (-- and also my head hurts. But I think that's the Lisinopril and not the Celexa), but if the self-analysis isn't stopping me from functioning, is that okay or not? I can't decide. I feel a little under my own microscope and it's kinda weird. Also my sleep schedule is off again. Big surprise there.

Just mumbling to myself really. Have a good Tuesday!